The Fetus Factor
by arashi-enkou
Summary: Part 11!: Dane Cook quotes! A blonde chick hitting a samurai with an umbrella! Internet memes! Concussions! Really awesome cosplays! The Wind being a bitchface! Talim converting to Christianity! And the regular stuff that happens.::M for Humor::
1. Compensation: Siegfried

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.

I'll try not to bash Yunseong. Try. I can't bash characters I don't really know, but I can't promise fair treatment. Flame me for it later, if Yun-dude is one of your favs or something.

And this poking fun at the some of the fandom's more...er, outrageous pairings. If you are a shipper of said pairings and feel offended...er, don't read?

--

_**The Fetus Factor**_

**_--_**

Talim was having a good day. She let out a happy sigh, stretched, catlike to the sky. Yunseong coughed and respectfully looked away. Really, it was painfully obvious that Talim had _grown_ since they had first met. Talim was either blissfully oblivious to her maturing body or she was an evil temptress in disguise.

He snorted back a laugh, reclining further into the grass. Talim? A temptress? She was still traumatized from that time they had stayed next to a pair of honeymooners that one time on their journey to Soul Edge. Yes, Talim was far more mature than most fifteen year old girls, but when it came to the subject of sex, she was a little on the naive side. He had even ditched his shirt for her! Did that raise her stunted, girly hormones that were supposed to perk up when a hot guy was shirtless?! No! All she had done was _so innocently_ tilt her head to the side and ask if he was cold without his shirt. Ugh. _Women._

"Yunseong!" Talim chirped, bouncing in place. "Oh, Yunseong, look!"

"Does it have anything to do with the wind?" Yunseong asked, closing his eyes.

"Well...not exactly--"

"Talim."

"...Yes," she admitted softly.

"I'd rather not."

"Please?" He froze when she kneeled by his head, leaned over and blocked the sun; the light formed a sparkling halo around her head. His heart sped up. "For me?"

_Oh yes!_ he mentally cheered, closing his eyes and puckering his lips. _Finally!_ After weeks of running around shirtless, spending cold nights huddled around himself for warmth, _finally_! The moment he had been waiting for--

Talim let out an offended squeak and slapped him.

Ouch. Not exactly what he was going for.

"Yunseong!" Talim shrieked. "Wh-what were you thinking!"

"...I'd rather not say," Yunseong muttered, flushing.

"I am a priestess of the winds," Talim continued, holding her red cheeks and backing away from him as if he had contracted the plauge. "I must--"

"Remain pure, yadda yadda. Talim," Yunseong sat up. "We both know that's a load of bullcrap."

"How dare--"

"Your grandma, who is a wind priestess, had to do it to make your mommyor daddy," Yunseong began bluntly. "And your mommy and daddy had to do it to make you--"

"That's not true!" Talim shrieked. "The wind delivered us to Earth! The teachings told us so"

There was a pause.

"You're not serious, are you?"

"W-well..." Talim blushed. "T-That's what I was taught."

"BULL." Yunseong spun, regardles of the grass-stains he knew were forming on the seat of his pants.

"It is not! The wind delivered our souls from the Wind God, and formed our bodies out of the soil and--"

"So we're pottery?"

"No, it's just--"

"Talim," Yunseong said gently. He patted his knee. "Sit on my lap."

She eyed his knee with distaste, and raised an eyebrow as if to say _Nice try buddy, not gonna happen_.

"Sit down then. Lemme tell you something...."

--One mentally scarring conversation about babies and how they're made later...--

"Oh my goodness," Talim whimpered, her cheeks an unhealthy shade of green. "Th-...that's horrible...!"

"What!?" Yunseong barked, insulted. He look down at his lap. "It's just a p--"

"Don't say it!" Talim wailed, covering her ears and leaping away from the shirtless youth. He stood and went to comfort her. She shrieked and threw a rock at his head. "Don't touch me! Don't come near me!"

"Oh come on Talim," Yunseong sighed, backing away. "So I just shattered all your beliefs and probably made you a virgin forever; I've given up, so it's no big deal to me. Friendship's better than nothing, after all." He grinned. "Besides, there's such a thing called_ friends with benefits_--"

Talim was famous for being a kind, forgiving individual. However, her death glare, rare that it was, was something that even Night Terror would fear.

"Um..._kidding_? I was _kidding_." She unsheated her weapons, twirled them, and _Talim's Death Glare_(tm) grew stronger. "U-Um...Talim?"

"**Run**," Talim said darkly. "You have a five second head-start."

"Can't we talk about this?" Yunseong squeaked.

"Five..."

Yunseong ran.

--One smackdown too epic to describe later...--

"Did you HAVE to hit that hard?" Yunseong growled, massaging the lump currently forming on his head. Talim's response was to turn her head and ignore him. He glared at her head; she continued to ignore him. That is until a strapping young man sauntered up, grinning. His black hair was spiked back, grey eyes with ice blue slashes; he was perfectly built, the pure example of a man.

Naturally, Talim, who was still suffering the effects of Yunseong's "talk", let out a terrified squeal at the sight and ducked behind a barrel. Unfortunately, he found her.

"Hello, lovely maiden," he said in a stylish rumble, yanking Talim's hand up, despite her protests, and placing a gentlemanly kiss on the back of it.

Talim whimpered, sending Yunseong a pathetic look. His heart melted, and he let out a quiet, "Awww," at the sight.

"My name is--" began the young man.

"Let me go!" Talim yelped, tugging at her hand. "I'm not interested!"

"Ah." He stared at her blankly. Then he smiled charmingly. "My name is Gary Stue--"

"Did I not just say I'm not interested!?" Talim began to pull away. "Let me go! Yunseong! Help!"

"Hang on Talim," Yunseong called out, unsheating White Storm and stomping over to where the young man was harrassing his friend. "Let her go!"

"Nope." The black haired youth then revealed the large club he had hidden behind his cape and whacked Yunseong over the head with it. The shirtless youth collapsed, unconscious.

Again.

"I'm doomed," Talim whimpered, palming her forehead.

"Hey!" a familiar voice screamed. Talim froze. It sounded like...like...

"Oh _shit_," Talim uttered, a rare curse slipping from her lips as she recognized the voice.

"Let the pretty, flat-chested jailbait go!" commanded the voice. A shadowed figure dropped from the rooftops, bounced off the unconscious Yunseong's stomach, did an impressive somersault, and landed in a crouch, ring blade slung across her shoulders. Talim got the sense of a bipolar disorder, a distorted wind, and of bat-shit insanity before the figure stepped into the light.

"You," Talim muttered sadly as her "savior" was revealed.

"Hi-ya, Flatchested Jailbait!" gretted a perky Tira, waving her clawed fingers at Talim. "Nice ta see ya again!"

"Who are you!?" demanded the annoyingly perfect Gary, ingnoring Talim's offended wail of, "I am _not_ jailbait!"

Tira's face jerked, her neck snapped to the side. The look in her eyes changed. "_I am your **father**_!" she grizzled, stopping to make a ridiculous breathing noise by cupping her hands over her mouth. "_Koo-hee!"_

--

Darth Vader sneezed.

"Eeew!" he whined. "It's in my _**mask**_, _koo-hee!!"_

The Apprentice face-palmed.

--

Gary stared. "Um..."

"Don't mind her, she's crazy," Talim explained.

"Ah. Well, in that case--"

"Let the Jailbait go!" Tira boomed, switching personalities again. Her voice was death incarnate as she whispered, "**And do it _now_, you pathetic excuse for a worm..."**

"And if I don't?" challanged the young man. Talim sent up a quick prayer for his soul.

Tira's mouth spred into a huge, demented grin. Talim gulped as she held up her ring blade.

"**If you don't**," she continued in a low growl, "**I'll make a Mary Sue out of you**."

Gary practically threw Talim at Tira, and ran in the opposite direction, screaming wildly. Tira grinned happily and caught Talim, scooping up the abused priestess in a hug of rib-breaking proportions. Talim let out a little squeak of pain as she felt a few bones in her sternum pop out of place.

"U-Um--" she said softly. "You're hurting me."

"With _love_!"

"With _pain_!"

"Same difference."

--

"So," Tira blinked. "You finally learned where babies come from? As in, _today_? _Seriously_?" Tira laughed. "I'm clinically_ insane_ and_ I_ knew that!"

Talim blushed. "Oh..."

Yunseong leaped to his friend's defense. "Hey, lay off, alright? She's lived a sheltered life."

"I'm not making fun of her. Much. I just thought she knew that already."

"What gave you that idea?" Talim blinked.

"Well," Tira arched an eyebrow. "I can see your panties."

Talim blinked. "How? My pants cover everything!"

Tira stared. "They're also transparent."

Talim lowered her head. "Oh," she mumbled. "W-well, the mateial is more aerodynamic, and helps with my fighting and--"

"Shows off your tushie," Tira finished, causing Yunseong to choke on his tea. "It's sorta like you're asking for it, y'know?"

"What about you!?" Yunseong stuttered. "Your outfit's worse!"

"Duh," Tira rolled her eyes. "I'm insane, dude, I can get away with _alot_ of shit. I can murder an entire village, blame it on Soul Edge and insanity, and I won't get in trouble."

Talim and Yunseong stared.

"That makes sense. Oddly enough," he murmured.

"She doesn't have an excuse," Tira continued. "Innocence only works when you're like, I dunno, twelve. Face it," Tira looked at Talim, "you're broadcasting a sex-signal to every pedophile in a one hundred mile radius."

"You would know," Yunseong muttered quietly.

"Oh dear," Talim squeaked.

"Yeah. You're screwed, _chica_, and not in a good way. But fear not!" Tira slung an arm around Talim's shoulders. "Tira's here. And I'm gonna keep all them nasty pedo-dudes away from ya."

"Aww, that's so sweet of you," Talim said softly. Yunseong snorted.

"Or maybe I won't," Tira said, shrugging. "Maybe you're one of those girls who are_ in_ to older men."

--

Cassandra sneezed.

Sophitia looked at her younger sister in concern.

"Are you catching a cold?"

--

"_We're off to see the wizard!"_ Tira sang cheerfully, arms linked with Yunseong's and Talim's as she tried to get them to skip with her._ "The wonderful wizard of Oz!"_

"Kill me," Yunseong begged as they passed an elderly couple. _"Please."_

"Stop being such a whiner," Tira scolded. She turned to Talim with a grin. "Wanna ditch him and go off to see the wizard by ourselves?"

Talim stared. "Uh..."

"Don't worry," Tira said in a stage whisper. "There's no such thing as a wizard; we'll just ditch him."

"I can hear you," Yunseong said loudly.

Talim giggled, and suddenly, a gleam of crystal caught her eye. She look to her left...and then looked up, up and up. A tall, blonde haired man, decked in gleaming, crystalline armor. A large, crystalized sword was slung over his shoulder, and his blonde hair flared dramatically around his scarred face.

Fangirls around the world swooned.

Talim just waved. "Hello, sir."

"Hello," he rumbled.

Tira observed, stroking her chin in thought. "Interesting," she mumbled.

"My name is Siegfried," he said.

"I'm Talim."

"You two should get to know each other!" Tira screeched, popping between them. Talim and Siegfried shared a look.

"But I barely know--" They started.

"Hence the point of getting to know each other!" Tira's face shifted from happy smiles to a dark, evil sneer. "**Now get the fuck in there**!" she snarled, pointing at a random pub.

--

Talim coughed, very uncomfortable with the situation. She seemed like a tiny insect compared to Siegfried's towering height and bulky armor. He seemed uncomfrotable with the fact that he was shoved inside a resturant booth, with a very young girl blocking his escape. They shared an awkward cough.

"**Small talk**!" Tira demanded from her seat across from them. "**Now**!"

"Nice...weather we're having?" Siegfried mumbled.

"Oh," Talim shrugged. "It's...nice." She sipped at her drink.

"How...how old are you, anyway?"

"Fifteen."

"MY GOD YOU'RE A FETUS!" Siegfried shrieked. He flattened himself against the wall of the booth. "FETUS!"

Talim pouted. "I'm not that young--"

"FETUS!" The blonde man roared.

"Well, what about you Mr. Giant Sword!" Yunseong barked, coming again to Talim's defense. "I think you're compensating for something! Your ego, or your p--"

"AAAAAH!" Talim shrieked, leaping across the table and onto Tira's lap, clinging in a way similar to Scooby Doo.

"Still traumatized?" Tira whispered.

"Apparently," Yunseong said dryly.

"FETUS!" Siegfried screamed at Talim.

"COMPENSATING!" Talim screamed at Siegfried.

"FETUS!"

"COMPENSATING!"

Siegfried threw Soul Calibur out a nearby window, then followed the legendary sword soon after. Talim, Tira, and Yunseong watched as the blonde warrior ran down the street, screaming something about "Not going to jail" and "fetus".

There was a shared silence.

"That went well," Yunseong said.

"Well," Tira began in a chipper tone. "At least we found out he wasn't a pedo-dude!"

"Sure looked like he was compensating for something though." Yunseong continued. Talim wailed.

"Nice one," Tira said flatly as Talim started to sob into her shoulder.

--

To be continued?

--

Notes: This isn't well done. I'm ashamed.

Have no clue where this is going, by the way.


	2. Discipline: Rock

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.

For those of you not in-the-know, it's an old folk tale that, when you sneeze, it means someone's talking about you. Hence why Cass and Vader sneezed in the last chapter.

Oh, and by the way

WHAT THE HELL, FF dot NET? I had so much of this chapter done (three times, actually) and when I clicked save, bam; all gone. GONE. Not saved; GONE.

--

_**The Fetus Factor**_

_**Part 2**_

_**Rock**_

_**--**_

_Dear Diar--Journal._

_It's been a while, eh? I didn't think I'd find the time to write in you again, what with my quest for Soul Edge and whatnot. I'm traveling with Talim (you know, that shrimp from a dozen entires ago? Yeah, she's freakin' hot now. Sweet.) and this new chick named Tira. Who, by the way, can't seem to remember names very well. I'm now "Yun-dude" and Talim's "Jailbait"._

_Oh._

_Oh __**wait.**_

_I __**get**__ it now!_

_Tira's actually kind of witty..._

_(And, bitchin', I get to chill with __**two**__ girls. Two girls in__** minimal and/or transparent**__ clothing. I'm the fucking __**man**__, dude.)_

_Oh, also. There's something about Tira that's...unique. How can I put it..._

_I know._

_**SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY.**_

_Just an hour ago I found her talking to herself in the mirror. None of that sissy, girly stuff like "I'm so pretty, tee hee", no, that's too sane. She was actually holding a conversation with herself. She does this thing when her voice changes and either gets really, really hyper and happy (she nicknamed 'it' "Jolly") or all evil and demonic (nicknamed "Grumpy"). The snippet I caught showed just how insane this chick really is._

_Tira:_ Hey Grumpy, Jolly's got a joke for you!

_Grumpy: __**Oh god, what now?**_

_Jolly: __GRUMPY GRUMPY! GUESS WHAT?_

_Grumpy: I__** swear to god if it's that lame chicken**__--_

_Jolly:__ CHICKEN BUTT._

_After that she laughed and yelled something like "roffle-coptors", I think. Ah well. She keeps Talim laughing, at least._

_Well, she keeps her laughing she she isn't blantantly__** flirting**__ with her. Talim, the dork, is so oblivious to anything dealing with sex that she doesn't know it half the time. I don't think Tira's her type, if she has one._

_--_

"Oooh, what's this, Yun-dude!?" Tira squealed, yanking away the journal from Yunseong's hands, to his chagrin. "Is it a novel? Oh, I bet it's one of those _dirty_ novels, isn't it?!"

"No!" Yunseong sputtered, flushing. "And give it back, it's mine! It's meant for my eyes only!"

"Hmm, _property of Hong Yunseong_," Tira read the cover aloud, "_Private; keep out. That means you, Mi-na_. Who's Mi-na? Your girlfriend?" She slapped his head with the book, cackling. "You _manwhore_! Does Mi-na know you're having an affair with an underage, sexually retarded teenager?"

"_Mi-na is not my girlfriend_!" Yunseong roared, holding his head from Tira's attack. "And I am NOT having any sort of relationship with Talim! We're not _like_ that! Now drop the book and _get the hell out of my room_!"

"Dude, your handwriting sucks," Tira remarked, already reading from the page Yunseong had left off on. He let out a terrified yelp. _Oh crap! What if she takes offense to the "fucking crazy" lines!? _He drew White Storm and scooted back, preparing for Tira's wrath.

It never came.

"Yun-dude, I didn't know you wrote fanfiction!" Tira squealed, hugging the book to her chest. "Granted, it's a real piece of crap--but _I'm _in it! And you got me down to the 'T'," she giggled, "What did you think, Jolly?"

Yunseong watched in horror as Tira's eyes widened with childish glee.

"_Yunny-Sunny_!" Jolly screeched. "That was the bestest best fanfiction EVAR! I love, love, loved it! What did you think, Grumpy?"

Tira's face darkened; her eyes narrowed. The disgust on her face sent a chill up Yunseong's spine.

"**It sucked**," Grumpy growled, tossing the book at him. "**Get a freakin' life, newb. And an English class or two, you suck at writing**."

"Ouch," Yunseong said. "Harsh, much? And, for the record, it wasn't fanfiction."

"Oooh, I see." Tira laughed, cruelly. "Then _that's_ a diary and _you're_ a loser! Later, Yun-dude!" She skipped out, still laughing. Yunseong sighed, rested his face in his hands.

"Hey Jailbait!" Tira's voice drifted from outside. "Guess what Yun-dude wrote about us in his fanfiction!"

His eyes snapped open.

"He wrote about us having _**WHAT**_!?" Talim screeched.

Yunseong saw his chance, and jumped to his freedom through the window.

--The next morning...--

"For the _last time_, Talim," Yunseong whined, rubbing at the bruises forming on his head_. "Yes_, I wrote about you and Tira in my journal, but I did not write about you and Tira having sex!" He glared at the girls' backs, from his position about five or six paces behind them. Talim had threatened even more bodily harm should he come closer, and with Tira more than happy to provide said harm, it was a convincing threat.

"You were still writing about us!" Talim called back.

"It was my journal!" Yunseong shouted. "A book full of my personal thoughts and feelings! You know I've got to have my best friend and...and the crazy chick in a recent entry! You can't blame me for that!"

Talim stopped and turned. His point, actually clicking in her head, seemed to make sense. She opened her mouth, most likely to apologize, when Tira added, "He called you a shrimp. Totally read it."

Yunseong facepalmed.

Talim's mouth shut and she resumed her previous task of glaring at him. She spun on her heel and began to stomp off, Tira gleefully skipping behind her, cackling at the chaos ensuing. Yunseong couldn't even accuse her of lying this time.

"Oh, and Jailbait," Tira snerked, "I topped."

--Even later that same day but most likely in the evening...--

"We're almost out of money," Yunseong declared. "After last night's splurge, our funds have been sucked dry--"

"Dude," Tira chortled. "Smooth innuendo."

Yunseong facepalmed again. "Tira," he said between clenched teeth. "That was not a sexual innuendo."

"Was too!"

"It wasn't."

"Totally was," Tira retorted. "And by the way? Worst BJ joke ever."

"What's a BJ joke?" Talim innocently asked. She blinked. "And what's a BJ anyway?"

Tira leaned over, cupped a hand over Talim's ear, and began to whisper. Yunseong watched as Talim's face shifted from adorably confused, to disgusted, to horrified while her face paled.

"That's disgusting!" she squealed. "That's unsanitary! A p--p--is supposed to--in the--EWW!!" She looked at Yunseong. "You _pervert_! You're _terrible_!"

"What!?" Yunseong began to flail. "I didn't even make the joke!_ She's_," he pointed at Tira, "just taking things in the wrong context!"

"Who? _Moi? _Never," Tira said, injured. She slung her arm around Talim's shoulders. "Who ya gonna believe, _chica_? Me, your main _amiga_, your number one gal-pal? Or him; the guy who's mocked your religion time and time again, and who just cracked a BJ joke?"

Talim paused. "But...you're evil and insane and a virtual stranger. And you've been known to have fits of homicidal rage."

"That's what makes me unique!"

"That's what makes you crazy!" Yunseong shouted.

"Same difference."

"Ugh, whatever," he growled. "Look, here's the deal; we need cash. We need cash now, if we don't want to end up camping in the woods tonight"

"That sounds lovely!" Talim giggled. "What with the beauty of nature, and the wind's sweet lullaby--"

"Yeah, it's all some dumbass nature documentary 'till some pedo-perv tries to rape you," Tira snorted.

Talim squeaked. "L-Let's find some money..."

Everyone lapsed into silence, each thinking.

Tira snapped her fingers. "Idea! We can whore out Yun-dude."

Yunseong blanched. "WHAT!?"

"Totally! Find him a corner, get him a crop top, some bootie shorts, a little fishnet--oh yeah." Tira's grin was evil incarnate. "I can smell the money."

"I am not whoring myself out for you!" Yunseong said. "And that's final."

Talim looked confused. "Wait, what's a whore?"

Tira and Yunseong stared.

"What? _What_!?" Talim blushed. "Was it something I said?"

--

The gang found out about a tournament being held; the winner(s) would receive a good sum of money, as well as fifteen percent of any bet winnings placed on them. While it sounded like someting out of a bad episode of Dragon Ball Z, there was money and pain involved; Yunseong and Tira were practically ecstatic about that (for respective reasons).

"Hey," Tira blinked. "This is that stupid tournament thingie I won, like, years ago!"

"Um," Yunseong blinked. "No, that's wrong. I won this thing years ago."

"Hey," Talim blinked. "I was the one who won this tournament years ago, when I was looking for Soul Edge."

They all paused and looked at one another.

"Wow," Tira said at last. "Continuity in this thing is almost as screwed up as it is in the Batman comics."

"Has that even been invented yet?" Talim exlaimed.

Tira ignored her question. "Think anyone will remember us?"

"Hey! Don't ignore me!"

"Not you," Yunseong answered. "You've got a lot less green. Think anyone will remember me?"

"Nah," Tira shrugged. "You're uglier than before. Talim's a problem though; I mean, look at her! She's got that brand of cuteness that needs no name." They both turned.

"Hey," said the tournament leader. "Aren't you that flatchested jailbait kid with the great ass?"

"I AM NOT JAILBAIT--" Talim paused. "Y-...You were looking at my butt?"

"Well, acutally no. You are way too illegal for me. Just that this chick in green once commented on it, and you sorta fit the description."

Everyone looked at Tira. Tira held out a mirror and glared at her reflection.

"WILL NO ONE CHALLANGE ME!?" roared a towering, muscled man waving around a large mace. He was decked out in rhino attire; quite literally, in fact. Talim, who was a strict vegetarian and animal rights activist (or probably would be, if they existed), died a little on the inside.

"She will," the tournament director said, pointing at Talim. She gave Yunseong and Tira such a helpless and pathetic look, their hearts melted.

"Aww," Yunseong cooed. "That's freakin' adorable."

"You can take him," Tira cheered at Talim. "We just have to give you a little help, is all."

"Like what!?" Talim snapped, her hands planted on her hips.

"Jailbait," Tira began seriously, laying a clawed hand on Talim's shoulder. "I am about to make you into the biggest anime cliche ever."

"Oh lord," Yunseong groaned, facepalming.

--A little later--

"I feel uncomfortable," Talim squeaked, shivering as a cold wind blew her new, pleated miniskirt around her thighs. She wilted under the pressure of a hundred, leering eyes, and grasped the end of her cloth tail, wringing it in her hands. The headband's hard plastic was beginning to hurt her ears, and her feet were itching in the paw-like shoes Tira had fashioned for her. Her new, white haired braids swung in the wind, the bells at the end jingling merrily.

"You...made her into a catgirl?!" Yunseong sputtered at Tira.

"What?" Tira shrugged. "See? If the guy's a pedo-perv, then badda-bing badda-boom, he'll collapse from the overwhelming sexiness of an underage catgirl. See?" She pointed at countless males who were unconscious in the stands, blood oozing from their nose. "This plan is awesome."

"And if he isn't a pedo-perv?"

"Dude!" Tira turned to face him. "Jailbait's in a miniskirt. Mi-ni-skirt. Who can resist that!?"

The towering man from before stomped into the arena; Talim eeped and raised one tonfa with one hand while the other kept her miniskirt from flipping up and showing off more skin than it already was.

"I am Rock!" he boomed. "I am here to fight for my son, Ban--GOOD GAIA CHILD." He blanched. "What in all the multiple hells of your choosing are you doing, wearing such indecent clothing!?"

"..." Talim shrugged, honestly.

"As a parent, I must punish you as a parent would!" Rock roared, waving his mace. "Lay across my knee and I shall deliver a spanking!"

Everyone stared. Talim died a little more on the inside, her jaw hanging open. Yunseong threw up a little in his mouth.

"WHOA!" Tira yowled, instantly furious. "DUDE! WHAT THE HELL MAN!?"

"What?" Rock blinked. "That is how a parent punishes children, is it not? I did that to Bangoo all the time."

Yunseong was the one to die a little this time. "Oh...my..._god_," he stammered, holding his toned stomach and turning green. "I'm gonna_ hurl_!"

"Oh, THAT IS IT!" Tira lunged from the stands and into the arena. "YOUR ASS IS _MINE_!" Everyone began to scream in agony at the mental images this statement produced. "Not like _that_, people, _jeez_!" She drew her ring blade, a dark aura surrounding her.

**"Say hi to Satan for me, you freakin' sicko,"** Gloomy growled.

--One epic smackdown later...--

"Bitchin'," Tira chirped, "We got money, pedophiles got pwned, and Jailbait got a make-over! Overall, I'd say this turned out pretty well."

"_Pretty well_!?" Talim shrieked, outraged. "_How can you call what happened to me __**pretty**__ and __**well!**_**? **I'm _traumatized_ for _life_!"

"I can never unhear what I heard," Yunseong added flatly.

"Oh whatever," Tira snorted. "You'll get over it. Continuity sucks, remember?"

--

To be continued.

--

Notes: You have NO idea how hard it was to write Rock's lines. I died a little on the inside too.

Also, apparently the Save button in Document Manager doesn't work anymore.


	3. Speech Problems: Yoshimitsu

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.

Yah. Don't know what the hell I'm doing, as usual.

--

_**The Fetus Factor**_

_**Part 3**_

_**Yoshimitsu**_

_**--**_

Birds cried out merry little tunes, trilling and belting out the first few bars of classical music, as birds were apparently wont to do. The sun shone brightly through the canopy of sweet-smelling, spring leaves; the echoing laughter of a babbling stream provided a soft, soothing backdrop.

"Some bad shit's 'bout to go down," Tira informed dully, plucking a black berry from its bush and chewing it thoughtfully.

"Oh, Tira," Talim sighed, nibbling on a slice of bread, "that's a horrible outlook; the day is beautiful! The winds are calm! All is well!"

"Those are all precursors to a big war or a natural disaster of some sort," Yunseong said. "I agree with Tira, something's big's going to happen."

"Oh _hell_!" Tira cursed. "And _now_ there's probably gonna be a big war _during_ a natural disaster!"

"Why?" asked Talim.

"Yun-dude just _agreed_ with me. That is _never_ supposed to happen. It's a naturally understood rule, like...one of those Commandment thingies!"

"I agree," agreed Yunseong.

"Dude!" Tira flailed her arms. "You did it again! You've doomed us all!"

"As if," Yunseong snorted.

"Oh, you are both just being silly," said Talim, but not meanly. She giggled behind a hand. "I am sure nothing bad will happ--YEEK!" Talim's assurance was cut off as a man decked in green swooped in via a vine, wrapped an arm around her waist, and swung them into the trees.

Yunseong and Tira stared blankly at the spot where Talim had been sitting.

"Um," Tira began, "did...did Tarzan just kidnap Jailbait?"

"No," Yunseong answered, "I think that was George."

Tira arched an eyebrow.

"You know; George? Of the jungle?"

Suddenly, the magic word Tira had spoken hit them in the brain like a ton of bricks, or even a PMS-ing hippo.

"Jailbait got kidnapped!" Tira shrieked, wavng her arms around for emphasis. "Again!"

"And now we have to save her!" Yunseong added, waving his arms for emphasis. "Again!"

"I agree!" chimed in Tira, "Again! And--wait; agree?" She facepalmed. "Dammit! _Now_ there's going to be a big war _durin_g a natural disaster _while_ aliens invade Earth!"

"We'll worry about that later," Yunseong said, shotting to his feet while drawing White Storm, "Talim needs our help!"

"I agree! Oh, _DAMMIT_!"

--

"Hup-HYA!"

"Link? Is that you?" Talim cocked her head to the side, pulling away from the Hylian hero. "Um...what the heck are you doing here? I thought you were only in Soul Calibur II for a cheap, cameo apparence?"

"HYARGH!" Link wailed, which probably translated loosely to, _"Oh hell, now you've broken the fourth wall!"  
_

"Right, you're still dealing that speech problem," Talim mumbled, "but, back to the plot--why did you kidnap me from my friends?"

"Kyah!" Which translated to,_ "Kidnap you?! I'll have you know I saved your sorry, underage patootie!"_

"The _hell_? I can't understand _anything_ you're saying! Why did you_ kidnap me_!?"

"Tooryah!" _"Um, hello? There was an evil psycho-bitch and perverted jackass in your general area!"_

"Okay, Link, seriously; get some help. I know a couple of classes you can go to. There are great English classes that can teach you the language--"

"Talim!" Yunseong's voice called out as he ran into the clearing, swinging around White Storm in a threating manner. "We're here to rescue you!"

"No we are not!" Tira countered, dashing in and shoving Yunseong away. "Yun-dude lies! We came here to point and laugh at your predicament!"

"What?!" Yunseong whirled on the raven haired girl. "Are you nuts!?" Tira opened her mouth-- "Rhetorical question, we all know you're bat-shit crazy." He turned up to Talim. "We really are here to save you Talim, don't worry!"

"No we're not!" Tira said again.

By this time, Talim was quite confused and a little hurt. "Well, are you here to save me or not?"

"Not!" Tira chirped.

"Are!" Yunseong barked.

"Tyakch?" Link asked blankly; _"Uhm...what the hell's going on? And here I thought I had problems!"_

"Look," Tira finally snarled, "I'm not agreeing with you _again _and plunging the world into deeper chaos! If the world ends, darn it all, _I'M _going to be the one to end it!"

"Oh, _wait_," Talim gasped. "Is _that _what this is all about? You two _agreeing_?"

"It's not as silly as it seems!" shouted Tira, "There's already going to be a big war _during_ a natural disaster _while_ aliens invade the earth,_ consequently _causing the end of continuity _as_ _we know it_!" She grabbed the ends of her mismatched pigtails. "Those DC comics won't have NOTHIN' on us!"

"Well," Talim held up a finger. "Would it cause more chaos if you agreed with me?"

Tira paused. "Well...no."

Talim flashed a blinding smile. "Then I suggest you save me!"

Tira grinned. "I agree!"

Yunseong cheered, "Yea, me t--"

Tira clapped a hand over his mouth. "Don't ruin the moment, Yun-dude."

"Chyah!" cried Link, offended; _"Hey! Aren't you guys forgetting about me!?" _

"Dude, is that guy wearing a skirt?" Tira snerked, pointing a clawed finger at Link. "Oh jeez. This'll be easy."

"Ahem," Yunseong cleared his throat, "LET THE GIRL GO!" he shouted, striking a somehwat heroic, yet mostly questionable pose, White Storm pointed at Link.

"Yun-dude, this isn't a porno shoot," Tira said bluntly. She blinked. "Um, by the way; what's your name, Skirt-Man?"

"Hup-hup-HYARGH!" Link answered.

Tira stared. "What?"

"His name's Link," Talim supplied.

"Oh. Skirt-Man sounds better."

"I agr--" Yunseong stopped when Tira gave him an evil look. "Nevermind."

"HALT YE VILE VILLANS!" cried out an unfamiliar voice.

"Halt?" Tira looked around. "But we haven't even started moving yet!"

"Never yee mind, Lady Psycho-Bitch!" the voice crowed again. "'Twas but a figure of speech, made for my dramatic entrance!" Suddenly, the bushes began to rustle. A wooden hand shot out, waving. A gangly, older gentleman in an odd mask then stumbled out of the bushes, yelping as his clothes caught on branches and such.

Needless to say, it wasn't a very dramatic entrance.

"I am the brave robber Yoshimitsu!" declared the odd man. "And now I shall engage in a pointless song and dance routine to explain my !"

"Um," Yunseong blanched. "You really don't have to--"

"Oh Merry-Men!" Yoshimitsu crowed out into the forest.

Suddenly, five more men, each dressed in various peasent attire, all leaped from the trees, back hand-springing into the clearing. Link whipped out his ocarina (which nearly knocked Talim off the branch) and began playing an off-key, chipper sort of tune.

_"Da-da-da-da-da-da-OY!" _sang out the Merry-Men.

_"I steal from the rich and give to the needy!"_ Yoshimitsu informed, in a singing voice that sounded like Nightmare raking the claws of his left hand down a very large chalkboard.

_"He takes a wee percentage--"_

"_But I'm not greedy! I rescue pretty damsels_," Yoshimitsu sang, waving at Talim, who glared, "_Man! I'm good_!"

"_What a guy! HUZZAH! Yoshi-mit-su_!" the Merry Men sang out, barbershop singer style.

With Link suddenly upping the tempo, Yoshimitsu and his Merry Men began a stylish tapdancing routine.

Talim, Tira, and Yunseong stared.

"Oh-kay," Yunseong said, "am I the only one creeped out by this?"

"No," Talim and Tira answered.

"_I like a little fight and a saucy little maid_," Yoshimitsu chortled; Talim made a face as she realized he was probably talking about her.

"_What he's basically saying is he likes to get--"_

_"--Paid!"_

"I don't think that he meant paid," Talim pointed out.

"Duh," Tira snorted.

"Ew," Yunseong grimaced.

"_When a Psycho-Bitch in the bush grabs some Jailbait by the tush," _Yoshimitsu informed, frowing at Tira, _"That's bad!"_

_"That's bad, that's bad, that's bad!" _echoed the Merry-Men.

"But I haven't done anything!" Tira said. "..Yet."

_"When the Jailbait's with a Douche, it makes me awfully mad!" _Yoshimitsu growled, advancing on Tira and Yunseong while snapping his fingers.

"Oh, you _bitch_," Yunseong snarled.

"_He's mad, he's mad, he's really really mad!" _said the Merry-Men, following their leader.

_"Now I'll take my blade and ram it through your hearts!" _Yoshimitsu declared, drawing his weapon._ "Keep your eyes on me boys, 'cause I'm about to staaaaaaaaaaaaa--"_

Everyone shuffled around, looking at their watches. For an old man, Yoshimitsu had pretty good lungs. After about five minutes of hearing Yoshimitsu drag out the note for a long time, someone snapped.

"Oh fuck it," Link said, tossing his ocarina behind his shoulder. "This _Shrek _parody has gone on long enough." Talim's head snapped to see him.

"Wait, _you can talk_!?" she gasped.

Link promptly shoved Talim off the branch.

"YEEEEEK!" she squeaked.

_"--aaaaaaaaaaart--_OOF!" Yoshimitsu wheezed as Talim landed directly onto his spine. "AH YE GODS ABOVE! MY SPINE!" He soon fell unconscious.

"Hy," Talim whined, offended, "I'm not that heavy."

"Um," spoke one of the Merry-Men. "Are we still getting paid for this or what?"

"Jailbait!" Tira squealed, throwing her hands in the air. "You saved us from that creepy Robin Hood dude with your tushie!"

"Oh." Talim stared. "I'm...not really sure if I should be proud of that."

"C'mere you!" the raven haired girl cooed, wrapping Talim in a bone-crushing hug and snuggling into her hair.

Five, awkward minutes passed.

"Um," Talim coughed, "...Tira?"

"Yes Jailbait?"

"...You can let go of me now."

"Mm."

Five more awkward minutes.

"Tira?"

"Mm?"

"Really. You can let go."

"'Kay!"

"...And can you kindly remove your hand from my bottom?"

"I could," Tira said, "but that doesn't mean I have or want to."

..

Notes: Meh. This could have been handled better.


	4. That Damn Dominatrix: Ivy

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.

This chappie is dedicated to Major Mike, who wanted a situation with Ivy. Sorry it isn't exactly what you wanted, but I couldn't manage to get it right. XDD;;

--

**The Fetus Factor**

**Part 4**

**Ivy**

--

"Tira?"

"What, Jailbait?"

"Seriously. While I appreciate the fact that you're not being a homicidal maniac, you can let go of me now. Really. Right now. Let go."

"Aww, you're serious?"

"Yes."

"Well damn. That sucks." Tira let out a melodramatic sigh as she released Talim. The small girl winced as blood flowed back into her arms leaving pins and needles in their wake.

"Well," Yunseong said loudly to get their attention. "Now that we're finished having a love session--"

"What? We were? And I didn't hug **you**, Yun-dude!" Tira opened her arms and smiled. "C'mere!"

"I'd rather not."

"Oh come on!" She cackled and advanced to him; Yunseong gulped and took several steps back. "Give Tira a hug!"

"I said **no** you crazy clown bitch!" Yunseong barked. "Get away!" Tira pounced and laughed like a madwoman (which she was) and started chasing him around the forest clearing. Talim giggled and had to smile, happy to see her friends getting along. Er, so to speak. Tira tackled Yunseong to the ground in a hug, while the young man wailed like he was being castrated with a heated spoon.

Yes. Tira's hugs were **that** bad.

Suddenly, Talim felt someone's hand clamp over her mouth, and the handkerchief in the attacker's palm was coated in a chemical of some sort. Talim gasped, breathing in the fumes of the chemical, and soon felt the world slipping away.

The last thing she thought was, _'Oh, __**fuck**__, not again!'_

--

"Go on, say it!"

"No!"

"Say it! Or I swear to god I'll kiss you on the cheek!"

"AAAH OH GOD NO--A-alright, fine! Tira's the best fighter--"

"Say it **right**, Yun-dude!"

"Tira is the **bestest** best fighter in the whole world and Yun-dude is just a fwuffy kitty! THERE I SAID IT NOW GET OFF ME!"

Tira sneered, yet got off Yunseong's back. She giggled. "There, was that so hard?"

"YES." Yunseong got up, brushed his pants free of the loose blades of grass. He scowled at Tira, and scooted a few paces away from her. "And gee thanks, Talim, for the help," he snapped to the girl behind him, not looking to see her guilty face.

Tira's face paled. "Uh...Yun-dude? Do you know where Jailbait is?"

"Uh, right behind me."

"Uh, no, she's not."

Yun-seong stared at Tira, then looked over his shoulder. Talim was gone.

"You're **kidding** me! She got kidnapped **twice** in the same day!?"

"We have the worst luck, don't we?"

--

Talim let out a small groan as she finally awoke. Sitting up, the wind priestess blinked away her blurred vision and took a good look at her surroundings.

She let out a high-pitched wail as she realized that she was in a stranger's bedroom wearing a sexy nightie. Except Talim did not wear sexy clothes at all. At least not on pupose. Covering her chest with her arms, blushing furiously, the girl looked around the bedroom an gulped at the amount of bondage gear available. _Well, at least things can't get worse_, Talim thought to herself optimistically.

"Hello, my dear," a voice with a thick British accent purred.

Talim facepalmed and vowed to become a brooding pessimest from that day on.

"You seem a bit tense, lovely," the voice continued gently. "Maybe I can give you a relaxing massage?"

Naive as Talim was--

"Oh, would you?" The girl looked around for her captor, confusion etched onto her yong features. "I would like that very much! I have been a bit tense lately, and there's this krik in my neck--"

"Oh, uh," the voice stammered. "I don't think you caught my sexual innuendo. I didn't mean massage literally."

Talim frowned. "Well that's not very nice. I'll have you now kriks in the neck aren't a pleasent experience!"

There was silence. Then, a woman with short silver hair strode into the light, rubbing at her temples. Talim took one good look at the woman's attire, then leaped back (falling off the bed), hands over her nose. She was blushing to the roots of her hair, and blood trickled from between her clapsed fingers.

"Blessed winds above!" Talim shrieked, her voice muffled by her hands. "Where the hell are your clothes!?"

The woman blinked, then said in the British accent, "On...my body?"

"No, **that's** string!" Talim looked away respectfully, her right eye twitching horribly and her nosebleed still going.

"Same difference. Look, dear, can we not make a big deal out of this?" The woman rolled her eyes. "And I wouldn't talk about clothing, little Miss Transparent Pants."

"It's **ae-ro-dy-nam-ic material**!" Talim ground out. "It's **not** for sex appeal!"

"**Sure** it isn't, darling."

--

"How can one girl get kidnapped TWICE in the same day!? How!? I ask you!"

"Um, this is a crack-fic Yun-dude. I wouln't be surprised if a bunch of drunken monkeys wearing tutus came out of freakin nowhere and started can-can dancing."

"...w-...wait, what?"

"It's not supposed to make sense." Tira turned toward Yunseong, bared her teeth, and raised her clawed hands and waved them around in a threatening manner. "Fear my logic!"

Yunseong stared, before sighing and massaging his temples where a headache was currently forming. "I need some Advil," he said to no one in particular.

"You shouldn't talk to yourself Yun-dude," Tira informed him cheekily. "People will start to think that you're cra-zy."

Yunseong twitched. "Let's just find Talim and get on with this stupid fic, jeez."

"We can help you there." a calm voice said from behin him. Yunseong turned to see--

"Aw, crap," Tira hissed, "fan-characters!"

"Warm welcome we get, eh?" said a tall girl sarcastically. Red hair in shaggy layers framed her face to the nape of her neck and drifted lazily into her hazel eyes. An orange, leather tunic with a black shirt beneath it, red breeches, and brown leather boots completed the ensemble.

_"Le paraît tellement Amara."_ chirped a small blonde, her big eyes a curious shade of blue. She wore a blue cloth shirt, along with simple tan leggings and blue shoes. _"J'espère que non les auteur obtenir ça droit français." _

Tira stared. "...I don't get it." she whined a second later, "what the hell did that girl say?"

The blonde haired girl frowned. "Um, I said--you know what, never mind." she said in a lightly accented voice. "I'm done. Screw this."

The red-head, Amara, facepalmed. "Hush, L'eau . We're here to provide convienent help for the main characters, so stick it out with me a little longer, okay?"

"Speaking of that convienent help," Yunseong decided to speak up. "You two dully plain fan-characters wouldn't happen to know where our friend was kidnapped to, would you?"

"Well," Amara began, shrugging. "We did happen to see this nearly nude dominatrix lady run off with an underage chick with transparent pants a little while ago."

"Sounds like Jailbait," Tira nodded.

"They went thatta way," the blonde, L'eau, supported, pointing in the complete opposite direction Tira and Yunseong had been traveling.

"Thanks!" Yunseong said. "C'mon Tira, looks like we gotta bust Talim outta trouble again." He took off soon after he said the words.

"Don't worry," Tira called out to the fan-characters as she began running after Yunseong. "This happens a lot! We're pros at this!"

--

Speaking of that underage chick...

"Oh, hi," greeted a red-headed woman warmly, her gentle smile contrasting sharply with the black leather corset and fishnet stocking, garter ensemble she was wearing. "What's your name?"

"..." Talim stared. "Uh...Talim."

"Nice to meet you Talim! I'm Hilde."

"..."

"I'm supposing you're wondering why you're here?" Hilde smiled warmly again. Talim was severly creeped out by it. "Ivy's a dominatrix by nature, so she needs cute, loveable to dominate. That's you and me!"

"B-Bu-But I'm only f-fifteen!" Talim stuttered, her face going pale. "And, you know, the stereotypical nun-virgin in the whole group! Why would Ivy pick me!?"

"Well, shit, maybe she's desperate." Hilde shrugged. "Oh, but trust me, you're going to love it after a while." Hilde cackled. "Ivy knows some _things_...And the **spankings**, _**oh God yes**_, the spankings! Being the bitch is the best thing that could have ever happened."

Talim died a little bit more on the inside. "But I **dislike** pain." She scooted away from the grinning Hilde. "I dislike pain of **any** sort!"

"Eh, you'll get over it." Hilde sighed dreamily. "I remember that I didn't like the pain either, at first...but then, you know, you start liking it a little. Well, I like it **a lot**, but that's because Ivy can do this **thing**, with her sword/whip and it can go right up the--"

"Hilde, darling," Ivy interrupted smoothly. "I think you're scaring her."

"Ivy!" Hilde suddenly struck a seductive pose, batting her eyelashes and puckering her lips. "What's on the agenda for today?" she purred, winking.

"Well, I was thinking we could all take a break from the 'fun' and go out for a stroll. Maybe have some tea. You know; something nice." Ivy replied.

"Bu-but--you don't want to ravage me?" Hilde whimpered, suddenly looking like a kicked puppy. Talim stared, aware that she might be the only sane one in the room. It was a frightening prospect.

"Now now, I never said that," Ivy clucked her tongue, "but I'm human too, you know. As much as I would **love** spending all day here with you and the tools, I think we should just, you know...take it easy for once."

"No!" Hilde wailed. "No, I **need** you to hurt me! Go on, **do** it! I **want** you to! Whip me, I've been a **naughty** princess!"

"I said **later**," Ivy growled, by now quite annoyed.

Talim, meanwhile, was quietly sneaking out through the open door. She prayed to every wind diety she knew that Hilde would distract Ivy long enough...

"Tie me to the bed post! We can play **cops and bad biker babes**, I've already laid out the officer outfit for you! Oh, oh, or even **sexy teacher and naughty student**! I'll be the--"

"Hilde," Ivy ground her teeth, "I just wanted a little **break**."

"Oh," Hilde innocently batted her lashes. "So you're saying you **need** a break? You? Oh, dear me, I think I've made a mistake."

"_**What?!"**_

"I think I'll just go find _Siegfried_," Hilde sniffed, standing to her feet. "Surely he doesn't need a **break**--"

Ivy allowed her sword to shift to its whip form, and cracked it against the floor; loudly.

"I've changed my mind," Ivy informed the red-headed Hilde in a frosty voice. "We're going to play_** dominating alchemist and naughty, naughty princess who needs to be punished."**_

"Oh, I love that game!" Hilde squealed happily.

--

Meanwhile, outside...

"Freedom!" Talim cried, bounding out of the mansion she'd been trapped in. "Sweet, blessed freedom!" A strong wind blew to her, as if in greeting, and that reminded Talim that she was still in the sexy nightie. She eeped and covered herself with her hands.

"At least this can't get any worse!" she said lightly to herself.

"TALIM!?" Yunseong screamed out in shock.

"JAILBAIT!?" Tira shrieked.

"Oh **fuck**," Talim grumbled, facepalming. She wasn't going to hear the end of this, not by a long shot.

--

Notes: I would like to thank SephirothBeatrix for introducing me to the delicious idea of IvyxHilde, with Hilde being the bitch and **liking** it.

ALSO: You'll probably never see Amara and L'eau again, so don't worry, they don't matter much. At all.


	5. Girl Power: Angol Fear

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.

Based off Angol Fear's actual storyline. You know, where she kidnaps Yunseong as a local specimen? And then he runs away? I lol'd at that.

Thus, this is where the crack!TalimxTira of this tale starts a buildin'.

--

**The Fetus Factor**

**Part 5**

**Angol Fear**

--

In retrospect, it probably wasn't a good idea to challange Angol Fear to a fight.

"Dudes," Tira choked out, bruises coloring her pale skin. "We just got our asses handed to us by a chick with _nipple spikes. Nipple spikes_!"

"I'm so ashamed," Talim whimpered. She was currently hanging upside-down, the ends of her pretty pink waist scarves caught in a series of rocks. She sighed and prayed the blood rushing to her head wouldn't make her brain explode. That would be rather gorey_.Well, at least I've got my clothes back!_ Talim thought to herself brightly. _Things ca--oh no, NO! Shut up, Inner Me! I am NOT saying that phrase again!_

"I'm hurting in places I shouldn't be hurting," Yunseong groaned, collapsed against the base of a tree. He was bloodied up a bit, but that was because he was trying to play Mr. Hero and trying to spare Talim from more pain than nessecary. As it turned out, Angol Fear still wiped the floor with their butts (in Tira's case, quite literally, if the grass stains on the seat of her pants were any indication).

_"Nipple spikes_!" Tira shrieked, unable to get over Angol Fear's costume.

"Are you satisfied, Earthlings?" Angol Fear droned, gazing down at her defeated foes. "I have proven that my strength outmatches your own. Now I shall have to take one of you for an example of the local creatures here on...Earth."

Everyone's eyes snapped open.

"Okay, seriously," Talim snapped, "one of you guys has to go. I've been kidnapped twice. Twice! I'd like to do the rescuing now!"

"And I'm the loveable homicidal prankster!" Tira added in. "I can't get kidnapped. I'd be all like...'grawr I kill you!'...and stuff." She looked at Angol Fear, shuddered, and hissed out, "_Nipple spikes!"_

That left...

"You'll do," Angol Fear said to Yunseong, grabbing the young man's pantsleg and tossing him over her shoulder, caveman style.

"You bitches better save me!" he shrieked out at Talim and Tira as Angol Fear strode off. "Because if I die from this, I will **hunt** you down and** haunt **you for the rest of your lives! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!"

And then they were gone.

There was an awkward silence.

"Well, he's fucked," Tira said for the both of them.

"We need to go save him!" Talim argued, wiggling uselessly. She stared off into the upside-down world. "And once I get down from here, I'm gonna run off into the sunset to find him! That's what you guys did, right?"

"Eh? Nah." Tira yawned. "We mostly just guessed where you were and hoped for the best."

"...O-Oh. Well, it's less dramatic than I hoped, but if it worked for you guys, I'll guess it'll work for me! It can't get any worse, right?"

Suddenly, the ties to Talim's pants (which happened to be the bows of her pink scarf belt, waistband thing) came undone, and the wind priestess plummeted down, face first, onto the grass; pantsless. Tira stared. Talim lifted her face from the grass, scowling.

"Okay, you know what? Screw that phrase. Tira, kill me if I ever say that phrase again."

"Can do!" Tira chirped, giggling. "Of course, kill can easily translate to molest in my brain."

"That's all the motivation I need to never say that phrase again," Talim said. "Now, help me get my pants."

"You mean get **into** your--"

Tira was cut off as Talim threw a rock at her head.

--

As it turned out, playing The Hero was a lot harder than playing the damsel. Talim sighed sadly and wished she was in Yunseong's place. Then she shuddered and wondered what she was thinking.

"Okay Tira, we really need to work toge--Tira?" Talim facepalmed when she saw Tira harrassing a bunch of kids.

"**Who wants to play Simon Says?" **Gloomy Tira growled at the children, her right eye twitching in an unhealthy way.

A few children raised their hands.

"**Good! Simon Says...**_**STAND STILL WHILE TIRA KILLS YOU ALL AND FEEDS YOUR SOULS TO SOUL EDGE**__!"_

"Tira!" Talim stormed over and grabbed Tira's ear, effectivly ripping her out of Gloomy mode. "What did I say about harrassing little children!? Are you TRYING to get arrested for being a pedo!?"

"Owww,** baby**!" Tira whined loudly. "You **know** I don't like it this rough when we're out in public!"

Everybody stopped to stare at the two young ladies. Talim flushed darkly.

"Oh, don't worry everybody!" Tira called out to the people on the street. "She gives me a safety word!"

Talim wondered if this was what Yunseong had to go through everytime she had been kidnapped. She soundly yanked Tira's head by her ear until it was level to her own (which was probably quite painful for Tira, as Talim was quite short) and whispered harshly, "When we're alone, you are so going to regret that!"

"OH? WHAT'S THAT? YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO BIND ME DOWN AND SPREAD WHIPPED CREAM ALL OVER MY BODY?" Tira yelped when Talim began to storm off, dragging her along for the ride by the ear, the wind priestess' face an unnatural shade of red.

"Kids these days," grumbled an old man to his wife. "No shame."

"Well, at least they use a safety word," said his wife.

--A few minutes later--

"Hey, where's the whipped cream?" Tira whined. "I thought you were going to bind me down and spread it all over my body!"

Talim walked over to the nearest tree, placed her hands on the bark, and started to bang her skull against the wood repeatedly to drown out the sound of Tira's voice and the naughty images it brought forth.

"So...so I guess that's a no, then?" Talim turned toward the raven haired girl, several wood chips stuck to her head, and gave Tira a dose of _**Talim's Death Glare **_(tm). Tira felt a chill go down her spine as the younger girl turned and resumed smashing her skull into the tree.

--That night!--

"Well," Talim said mournfully as she gazed up into the night sky, "we made absolutely **no **progress with trying to save Yunseong. Should I feel guilty about that?"

"Probably," Tira said, "After all, we got your ass outta trouble in the same chapter. I guess our super-duper team up's a bust then--hee hee, I said **bust**." Tira snickered to herself. "'Cause we both have one! A **bust**! Ha! I'm so witty I scare myself sometimes."

Talim looked at the tree, where a good indentation of her skull was stamped there. She thought about ramming her head into it again, but then decided it was too much effort. She sighed and looked at Tira, who was resting beside her.

"Goodnight Tira," she told the insane girl wearily. "And if you try to molest my unconscious body--"

"What're you gonna do? _**Talim Death Glare **_(tm) me to death? Ha! Another pun!"

"Angol Fear."

"_**Nipple spikes!**_ _**Aaagh**_! I'm gonna have nightmares now! Ha, and that's kinda ironic, considering my master's name is Nig--"

"Angol Fear."

"_**NIPPLE SPIKES, AAH!" **_

--The next morning!--

Talim let out a happy sigh as she snuggled closer to the warm bundle she held in her arms. She hadn't felt this good since she was a young child. And how long had it been since she'd had pillows this nice and soft? Inn pillows were like rocks, and actual rocks hurt quite a bit, so this was nice. Talim just smiled and burrowed her face deeper into the pillow.

_Wait. I don't remember bringing a pillow. And I don't think Tira had one either..._

Talim's eyes snapped open. She paled when she realized the "warm bundle" had in fact been _Tira_, of all people, and the "pillow" was actually Tira's _bust_. Worse, it seemed that Talim was, in fact, plastered all over the older girl, to the wind priestess' mortification. Slowly, Talim looked up and noticed that Tira had a wide, shark-like grin on her face.

"I _knew_ you couldn't resist me," the raen haired girl said smugly.

Talim got up, went to her tree, and resumed her skull bashing.

"Aw, come on baby! I thought we were having a moment-oh hey, don't you give me that _**Death Glare **_thing of yours, **you **were molesting **me**, okay? I'm actually _innocent! _"

--

Meanwhile, with Yunseong...

"Wow, this place is great!" laughed Yunseong, sipping at his Margarita while lounging in the hot-tub. "I can't believe you're doing all of this for me!"

"I want to see what Earthlings do in a totally relaxed enviroment," Angol Fear replied in her monotone voice.

"Well, I am re-laxed! In fact, I haven't been this relaxed in...ever!"

"That is pleasent to hear. Now I will need to see how Earthlings perform in an enviroment that is filled with their worst fear."

"Say what?"

--

"Oh this is bad." Tira said plainly as she saw the tribe of Lizardmen.

"Remind me to never, ever follow one of your leads again," Talim snapped.

"Uh, noted," Tira drew her ring blade. "Now, how the hell do we get outta here?"

"I got this. LOOK!" Talim boomed, pointing at something behind the Lizardmen's backs. "A DISTRACTION!" The creatures all turned as one to look behind them.

"I don't see it!" Tira whined, before she was yanked by Talim to a nearby exit.

--A few minutes later--

"Wow, you saved the day, Jailbait!" Tira cheered, against wrapping Talim up in one of her ribcracking hugs. Talim twitched and thought she felt the beginnings of a brain tumor developing.

"Yeah, go me. Now, can we go find Yunseong?"

"...huh? We were looking for Yun-dude?" Tira let go of Talim to look at her in confusion. "I thought we were looking for a honeymoon retreat!"

Talim's jaw dropped. Then she drew her weapons and growled low in her throat like a feral she-cat.

"Aha--kidding! I was kidding, Jailbait! No need to get violent now!"

Talim snapped. Yowling, she lunged at Tira, with every intention of tearing off her face.

That didn't happen.

Talim managed to get her foot tangled in one of her waist scarves (she was really gonna have to work on those damn things) and she started to trip. Tira, swooped in and tried to save Talim's face from hitting the stone floor, when her foot managed to get snaged in the long pink material as well. They were both sent tumbling to the floor, Tira on top.

And their lips were connected in a kiss.

Tira and Talim held gazes as they 'kissed'. Tira pulled away first. There was a moment, one achingly soft moment that might have been serious. There was even romantic music playing softly in the background.

"Booyah!" Tira whooped, effectivly ruining the moment and causing the romantic music to skip, then grind to a halt. "First there was snuggling, now a kiss?! Let's see just how far this chapter can go!"

Talim punched Tira in the mouth.

--A couple of days later...--

"Wow, we really suck at this rescuing thing, don't we?" Tira said after the third day had passed. Talim held her face in her hands.

"Yeah," she finally croaked. "We really do."

"YOU. BITCHES." Yunseong's voice spat from behind them. Tira and Talim turned to see Yunseong who looked rather beaten up. "WHAT. THE. HELL? YOU LEFT ME THERE TO DIE!? I HAD TO RUN FOR MY LIFE!!"

"Yun-dude!" Tira squealed. "We missed you! Where have you been?"

Yunseong twitched and raised a fist. However, he was a gentlemen, and could not hit a lady; even if that lady happened to be a lunatic with no morals what so ever. So Yunseong did the only thing he could do. He slammed his fist into his own jaw, effectively knocking himself out.

Tira started to laugh.

Talim punched Tira in the mouth again, effectively knocking her out.

Talim sighed.

"We are **so** fucked up, man."

--

Notes: Yes, yes, this chapter mainly focused on Tira and Talim, while Yunseong was busy getting tortured, but meh. I decided to shake things up a little. You can only write so many instances where Talim gets kidnapped and Yunseong and Tira have to save the day.

And yes. YES. THIS CHAPTER WAS A BLAST TO WRITE.


	6. Two Greeks, One Ninja: Soph, Cass, Taki

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.

AND NOW FOR SOME TAKIxCASSANDRAxSOPHITIA UP IN HURR.

--

**The Fetus Factor**

**Part 6**

**Sisters Alexandra**

--

"_We're on the road again! Oh I can't wait to be on the--"_

"Tira."

"What is it, Yun-dude?!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP."

"Wind, guide me." Talim muttered darkly. The wind priestess rubbed at her temples, trying with all her might not to snap and reach through a convienent plot hole to grab Soul Edge and feed Tira and Yunseong to it.

Hmm...

The idea was tempting though.

"Why don't _you_ shut the hell up!?" Tira snapped back at Yunseong, sticking her tongue out at him childishly.

"Hmm, I dunno," Yunseong retorted in a sarcastic drawl, "maybe it's because I'M NOT A CRAZY LUNATIC WITH A VOICE THAT GRATES ON THE INSIDE OF PEOPLE'S BRAINS!?"

"My mommy sucked helium when she was pregnant!" Tira said in a wail that made Talim's skin crawl. "It's not my fault!"

"Like hell it isn't! Your evil fetus probably **FORCED** her to suck in the helium!"

"WOULD YOU BOTH KINDLY **SHUT THE FUCK UP **AND LET ME THINK!?" Talim roared.

Yunseong and Tira stared at the young girl, jaws open. While cursing wasn't a big deal to them, this was Talim. Nin-Virgin, "BELIEVE IN YOURSELF" Talim! This was odd.

"Thank you," Talim chirped. "Now...according to that roadsign right there, I'm guessing we're in Greece. Athens, to be precise."

"Hmm," Tira hummed, stroking her chin with a clawed hand. "Athens...Athens...sounds familiar...I feel like I've been here before...hmmm....Like I was supposed to do something reaaaaaaally evil...Ah well. I'm sure it'll come back to bite me in the ass sooner or later."

And so, the trio treked across the city. Tira, obviously, caused mayhem in their wake, such as causing buildings to collapse, trees to burst into flame, and poor innocent kittens to wail at the ensuing chaos.

"Wow!" Tira said. "Today is a _good_ day! Normally the chaos would be _way _worse!"

Yunseong facepalmed.

"Let's ask around for clues on Soul Edge," Talim suggested, still rubbing at her temples where a pounding headache was forming.

"So I can use it for selfish purposes!?" Yunseong asked with a happy grin.

"So I can use it for world domination!?" Tira asked with a happy--er, demented--grin.

"So I can purify it," Talim snarled. Why was she working with these people again?

"Oh," Yunseong and Tira mumbled, wilting sadly.

"What on earth is going on here!?" a loevly voice cried out in loevly despair. And no, those were not typos.

You see, there exists such a thing called Loev; it is Love's hotter, sexier twin sister that Love got jealous of and sent away because Love is a stupid whore. Loev then decided to find one and only one person to embody, because Loev is a picky bitch.

That lucky person was, in fact, the one and only Sophitia Alexandra.

The Greek woman stood proudly, surrounded in a beautiful golden aura of Loev, teal eyes gazing at the city of Athens in horror. Long, flowing, soft blond hair swayed in a warm, gentle wind, and her gauzy white toga-dress fluttered around her body.

Yes. Loev could even control the wind at _will. _

Talim was out of a job.

"Who could do such a thing!?" Sophitia cried out.

Then she saw Tira.

"YOU!!" shrieked the blonde, pointing an accusing finger at the raven haired girl.

"Me?" Tira asked, pointing at herself.

"No! Oh _hell _no, I will not put up with your psycho-pedophile ass this time!" Sophitia screamed, anger etched into her loevly face.

"But I haven't done anything!" Tira whined. "...Yet."

"You monster!" Sophitia continued, rushing over to Talim and yanking the young girl behind her. "How dare you try to corrupt such innocence!?"

"It's...kinda what I do lady. I _am_ evil an' all..."

"I won't let you harm her!" Sophitia then turned to Talim, croushing down to gently ruffle the girl's hair. "Oh, you poor baby," the blonde cooed softly, "how old are you, sweetie? Ten?"

Talim bristled with rage. "I'M FIFTEEN DAMMIT!"

"Did that evil pedo-bitch tell you that you're fifteen so that ou wouldn't be able to sue her!?"

"I _AM_ FIFTEEN!"

"But you're so tiny!" Sophitia said, tilting her head to the side. Talim's face contorted into fury before Sophitia pulled the girl close in a tender, motherly embrace. Talim's face happened to be resting on Sophitia's chest.

"Shhh," said Sophitia. "It's going to be okay, little one. Sophie's here..."

....**boobs**, Talim's supressed, teenage hormones thought wickedly.

_Pull away!_ cried the Wind. _You must remain pure! Besides, she's a mother! She's probably married and you're way too young for this kind of--_

**HEY!** shouted Talim's supressed, teenage hormones.** YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET HER ENJOY THIS GODDAMMIT!**

"Um," was all Talim could stutter. "C-can you let go of me please!?

"HEY!" Tira screamed. "You let go of Jailbait! It's _my_ cleavage she's supposed to be snuggling up to,_ not yours_!"

"_Wow_," Yunseong said dryly. "That's not gonna get you sued at _all_, Tira."

"You sick friend!" Sophitia shouted at Tira. "That's it! I'm adopting this poor little girl and taking her away from you!"

"_WHAT!?" _cried out Tira, Yunseong, Talim, and the Wind all at once.

**YES!** cried Talim's hormones.

"I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS!" Talim shrieked.

With that, Sophitia whisked up Talim and ran off. Yunseong and Tira stared.

"What a MILF!," screeched Tira.

--

Meanwhile...

"Welcome to your new home, sweetie!" Sophitia said warmly. "Cassandra! Taki! Come out and meet someone!"

"Yo," Taki greeted smoothly as she swung upside-down, hanging from the ceiling like a well endowed bat. Talim eeped hid behind Sophitia. "Who's the shrimp?"

"STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!" Talim wailed.

"What's going on!?" Cassandra sighed as she entered from the kitchen, wearing a starch white apron. She placed her hands on her hips.

"I think Sophie picked up a stray," Taki informed.

"Cassandra," Sophitia said, stepping aside and pushing Talim forward. "Meet Talim!"

Before Talim could ask "How the hell did you know my name!?" Cassandra let out a little squeak and rushed forward, slid her hands under Talim's arms and lifted her easily.

"Awwww, what a cute little kid!" gushed the younger Alexandra sister, "are we going to adopt her?"

Talim gave an offended wail and flailed in the air. "I am not a kid! I'm fifteen years old!"

"Awww, she thinks she's a big girl!" Cassandra cooed. "How cute!"

"Um, I think she's telling the truth," Taki informed them, still attached to the ceiling. Sophitia turned and gaze the ninja a confused glance.

"Taki," said the blonde slowly, "how are you doing that?"

"A ninja never reveals her secrets, Sophitia." Taki replied mysteriously. Then, her body jerked once. "Oh! OH CRAP! AAH!" Taki fell to the groung, face first. Everyone stared at the suction cups attached to the bottom of the ninja's shoes. Taki scrambled up, coughing.

"No one saw that," the raven haired ninja said.

"Nope, didn't see a thing." Cassandra whistled, cuddling Talim.

"What? See what? Taki's sexiness?" Sophitia laughed.

"If I say I didn't see a thing will you let me go?" Talim whimpered.

"Nope." Cassandra replied.

"Damn," Talim said sadly.

"You're an Alexandra now, little one!" Sophitia said. "You've already got transparent clothing."

Talim facepalmed.

At least things couldn't get any worse.

"Oh no!" Talim wailed in horror as she read the above sentence. "Now Tira's gonna molest me! Or kill me!...I hope it's the latter."

--

Meanwhile...

"Man," Tira sighed. "Why does Jailbait have be so kidnappable?!"

"Technically," Yunseong said, "she was adopted."

Tira turned around and kicked Yunseong in the crotch. The young man screamed in utter agony, before dropping to his knees.

"THIS IS CRACK, STUPID!" the girl roared. "STOP TRYING TO USE LOGIC!"

"Yes ma'am," Yunseong squeaked.

"Now," Tira said. "We just gotta get her back! Hmmm. This kinda means I'm kidnapping a child from that MILF lady."

She paused.

"Why does that sound familiar!?"

"Why did you kick me in the crotch!?" Yunseong demanded in a wail.

"Because I don't like you! Now, LET'S GO SAVE JAILBAIT!" Tira declared and ran off after Sophitia.

Yunseong groaned weakly, stood to his feet, and shuffled after her. The duo managed to follow the loevly blonde to her humble and loevly abode. Tira crashed through a window, although there was a door right next to it (an open door, no less), ring blade over her shoulder, and shouted, "Gimme back Jailbait now!"

--

Elsewhere...

Ada Wong sneezed.

"What the hell?" the Asian woman wondered aloud.

--

Taki looked up from her newspaper, cocked an eyebrow questioningly up at the raven haired psycho. She took a drag from the pipe that hung between her lips. After exhaling the smoke, she sighed.

"Sophitia," she called out. "I think there's a pedophile wanting her bitch back."

"Taki!" Sophitia scolded, dragging Talim behind her. "What have I said about your language! And why are you SMOKING in the house!?"

"Hey," Taki scowled. "It's either me smoking or you and Cassie getting paddled, which do you prefer?"

"Uh...well..." Sophitia blushed.

"W-wait," panted Yunseong as he stumbled through the door. "Before anyone does any killing, let me explain! We just want our friend back, there's been a big misunderstanding."

"Oh, hey," Taki suddenly rose up, and studied the young man. "Aren't you that guy...? What's the name I'm looking for...Yun-dick?"

Yunseong fel to his knees again. "WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?"

"Because you're a dick?" Tira guessed.

"Hey!" Cassandra shouted as she saw Tira. "Are you trying to kidnap Talim!?"

"No!" shouted Yunseong. "No, I just expl--"

"If you wana get technical about it, yeah, I guess we are!" Tira giggled.

"You pedophiles!" Sophitia shouted, pushing Talim to Cassandra. "Taki, let's get'em and save our baby!"

Taki leapt to her feet, a second pipe along with the lit one already in her hands. "Sure, I'm game."

"Do you need a hug while Daddy Taki shanks that pedo-bitch and Momma Sophie takes care of that dpedo-dick?" Cassandra cooed.

"Daddy--wait-!" Taki whirled around, offended. "WHEN WAS I A MAN?"

"It's just that you're wearing the pants here, Taki," Cassandra explained. "And that sorta means literally, as I don't wear pants, anymore."

"SO THAT MAKES ME A MAN?"

"No, of course not!" Sophitia added in. "It's just--well--it's kind of hard for Cassie and me to be the 'man'. I'm the embodiment of loev, after all--"

"And I have uke sparkles," declared Cassandra. She was suddenly surrounded in sparkles to prove her point.

"But--what do I have that makes me the 'man'?!" Taki demanded.

"You smoke," the Alexandra sisters pointed out.

Taki opened her mouth to comment more when Yunseong said, "Don't question their logic, man."

That seemed to be the final straw for Taki; enraged, the ninja lept atop the young man and gave him the smackdown of his life.

--

"Oooh, so you're traveling with the pedo-bitch by _choice_?" Sophitia giggled. "That changes things!"

"Um," said Tira, "I don't see how that changes things but, hey, I'll go with it."

"Here here," Yunseong whimpered, wrapped in bandages.

"We'll miss you, Talim," Cassandra said, wrapping Talim in one more hug. "Be safe!"

As the trio began to walk off from the Alexandra household, Taki bellowed, "AND IF YOU AND TIRA EVER DO IT, MAKE SURE TO USE PROTECTION!!"

--

"Are you okay, Jailbait?" Tira asked lightly.

"For a short time, I had two moms and a pseudo dad," Talim replied in a monotone voice. "I...I'm not sure if I'll ever recover."

"But damn," Yunseong said, "That pseudo dad was **hot**."

There was an awkward silence.

"Never talk again, Yun-dick," Tira snarled. "NEVER. AGAIN."

--

Notes: Sophitia Alexandra is so awesome, she can make people mispell love on purpose. I stand by that logic.


	7. Intermission! Soul Calibur: THE MUSICAL

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.

--

**The Fetus Factor**

**INTERMISSION**

**Soul Calibur: The Muscial!**

--

The stage was quiet, the velvet red curtains rustling quietly. Talim suddenly slid frm behind the curtains, and cleared her throat.

"Hi everyone!" the young girl called out. "The response we've gotten for _The Fetus Factor_ has been wonderful!" Her face darkened. "Apparently a lot of you like seeing me get tortured by evil pedophiles and that crazy bitch Tira!"

Talim stopped herself, cleared her throat softly, and continued on. "Um anyway--We all appreciate the responses we've gotten. So, to show our love for you awesome people, the cast of _The Fetus Factor _shall perform the never-before-seen: SOUL CALIBUR: The muscial!" With that, Talim ducked behind the curtains.

The lights above dimmed; music began to swell. With a flourish, the curtains were pulled back to reveal the loevly Sophitia Alexandra. She held a microphone in her hands. She cleared her throat. The music stopped....and then...!

_"What is loev?"_ she sang out, _"baby don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! No more!"_ As the music began, she started to bop her head to the beat. _"Baby don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! No more!"_

During the instrumental, Sophitia cried out, "_I_ _don't know! You're not there! I give you my loev and you don't care; so what is right? And what is wrong? Gimme a sign!_

_"WHAT IS LOEV? BABY DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT ME! NO NO! WHAT IS LOEV!? BABY DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT ME! NO NO!"_

Then, Amara sang from the background, _"Whoa whoa WHOA whoa, whoa, whoa whoa WHOA whoa whoa, OOOOH OH!"_

Suddenly, _"What is Loev?"'_s music came to a grinding halt and..."_Thriller" _blared out. Tira somersaulted onto the stage while Sophitia slid back.

They were, apparently, the back up dancers. The three women proceeded to dance to "_Thriller_". Sophitia tossed Tira the mic.

"_It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark! Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart."  
_  
"_You try to scream--" _Sophitia and Amara let out screams of fright, _"But terror takes the sound before you make it! You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes; you're paralyzed!_

"'Cause this is Thriller; Thriller Night! And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike!

"You know it's Thriller; Thriller Night! You're fighting for your life inside a Killer, Thriller Tonight!"_  
_  
_"Thriller"_ was visciously cut off as a sweeter, far more gentle tune came on. Talim did a beauiful, leap onto the stage, twirled and posed.

Tira, Amara, and Sophitia gave her a quiet round of applause. Tira then tossed Talim the mic; the music sweetened even more.

"_You think you own whatever land you land on," _ Talim sang firmly. _"That the Earth is just a dead thing you can claim. But I know every rock and tree and creature...has a life! Has a spirit! Has a name!_

"_You think the only people, who are people. Are the people who look and think like you! But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger...you learn things you never knew, you never knew."_

The music suddenly swelled loudly, and Talim sang out in a perfect soprano, _"Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon!? Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grins!? Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?_--wait a minute!" The music screeched to halt.

"This is that Disney song, isn't it!?" Talim demanded. "I am _NOT A CHILD_, DAMMIT! No, no, _screw_ this! _Screw _this _song_, _screw_ this _musical_, AND _SCREW YOU GUYS_!" She then threw the mic at Tira's head and stormed off.

There was a pause.

"U-um," Sophitia stammered. "Should we keep going?"

"But who'd sing?" Tira asked.

"Ladies," Yunseong said smoothly as he slid from the back, grinning. "I can take it from here." He snatched the mic from Tira's hands and began to sing.

_"I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brother's can't deny! That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung--"_

Before "_Baby Got Back" _could go on any longer, Taki dropped from the ceiling and knocked Yunseong unconscious.

"Yay!" Tira cheered. "Boob-lady killed Yun-dude!"

"Everybody only gets one," Taki warned, before scampering to the back.

Suddenly, a disco ball descended from above; music followed. While Sophitia and Amara looked on with "WTF?" looks on their faces, Tira grinned and said into the mic, "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!"

Seong Mi-na and Siegfried appeared onstage--

With a few differences.

Siegfried had on a classic white disco suit with a teal blue undershirt (collar flipped up, of course). His once long, flowing blonde hair had become an afro.

Mi-na had a forest green hippie cap on, along with a red tube-top, white short shorts and go-go boots.

_"Buuurn baby burn! Disco inferno!" _they sang, Siegfried swinging his arm diagonally across his body and Mi-na swinging her arms up and down. _"Buuuurn baby burn! OH OH OH Buuuurn baby burn, disco infernOHHHH YEEEAHHH!"_

Then the music stopped and the disco ball vanished.

Sophitia stared. "WHAT THE HELL?"

Amara snatched the mic from Tira and said dully, "And here's everybody's favorite masochistic princess and her dominating, British lady-love."

Silence.

"I'm talking about Hilde and Ivy." With that, Amara tossed the mic to Hilde and sauntered off.

The red-haired princess smirked darkly, running a hand down the side of her leather corset. Tira had an inkling as to what was about to happen, and looked at Sophitia.

"MILF!" she said, grabbing onto Sophitia's shoulders. "I need you to be evil! You know, all dark and angsty and stuff, with the red dress and the hair and the--er, you get it!"

"But," Sophitia drew back. "But I can't be evil now! I'm filled with LOEV--"

"Soul Edge just corrupted your children and if it's destroyed your kids die." Tira said bluntly.

Suddenly, Sophitia's pure white toga became a dark red, her hair darkened to the color of tarnished gold, and her eyes filled with hate.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAANGST!" Sophitia cried out. Then she began to angst.

"That'll do, MILF," Tira said sagely, patting Evil!Sophitia on the head. "That'll do."

_"It's Hilde, bitch," _Hilde said in a throaty whisper. As dark, psuedo stripper music started to throb in the air, Hilde swung her hips provocatively to Ivy.

The alchemist's eyes widened.

_"I see you," _Hilde continued breathlessly, _"and I just wanna dance with you." _Then the red haired princess dissolved into an evil, yet quite sexy chuckle.

_"Every time they turn the lights down,"_ Hilde sang. _"Just wanna go the extra mile, for you. Your public display of affection...feels like no one else in the room._

_"Working the dollar, there's no one around, we keep on rockin'--" _and here, Hilde added in interesting hip thrusts to her dance.

_"We keep on rockin'!"_ Evil!Sophitia and Tira sang, doing the same motions.

_"Camera's are flashin while we're dirty dancin' an' they keep watchin'; feels like I'm proud of saying-_

_"Gimmie gimmie more, gimmie, gimmie gimmie more," _ Hilde sighed, almost orgasmically. It didn't help that Tira and Sophitia kept emphasising the word 'more' with pelvic thrusts. Ivy's jaw dropped.

_"Gimmie gimmie more, gimmie, gimmie gimmie more_

_"Gimmie gimmie more, gimmie, gimie gimmie more_

_"Gimmie gimmie more, gimmie, gimmie gimmie more..."_

"Alright, I have a feeling that this has gone on long enough," Ivy proclaimed, snatching away the mic and causing _"Gimmie More"_ to skip horribly until it fizzled out.

"MUST...PROTECT...SOUL EDGE...WITH MY FUCKED UP....MORALS!!" Evil!Sophitia roared while simultaniously angsting.

"Oh yeah. Hey, MILF, I lied." Tira said nonchalantly.

"...." Sophitia went back to normal and punched Tira in the mouth.

Ivy raised the mic to her lips. _"Break me down; you got a lovely face!" _she sang, pointing at Hilde. _"We're going to your place; and now you got your freak me out! _

_"Scream so loud; gettin' fuckin' laid. You want me to stay...but I got to make my way!"_

Ivy then pointed **directly** at Hilde and shouted, _"Hey; you're a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good I'm on top of it! When I dream, I'm doin' you all night; scratches all down my back to keep me right on. _

_"Hey! You're a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good I'm on top it. When I dream, I'm doin you all night; scratches all down my back to keep me right on..."_

Then, Ivy held up her hand to signal the end of the song. "Yes, Hilde," she said when Hilde pointed to herself, "you are, indeed, a crazy bitch. But you're **my** crazy bitch."

"Am I a crazy bitch?" Tira asked innocently. Talim leapt out of nowhere, tackled Tira to the ground, and clamped a hand over her friend's mouth.

It was at that moment that Yunseong awoke from his "slumber".

"OW!" he whined. "WHAT THE HELL?" He saw Taki and growled, leaping for her. "Come here you ninja bitch!"

"Ah ah ah!" Taki said, leaping nimbly away and waving her finger at him mockingly. "Can't touch me!"

That was when shit happened. "_Can't Touch This"'_s tune came on and Taki grabbed the mic as Ivy tossed it to her.

"_Can't touch me!" _Taki repeated. _"Ju-ju-ju-ju-just like the bad guy, from Lethal Weapon 2, I've got fictional character immunity! So Hammer you can't sue!_

_"I can kill Whodini, even jaywalk in the streets; I can riot, loot, not give a hoot--" _and then Taki turned to Sophitia, grinned evily, and said, _"And touch your sister's teat--_

_"CAN'T TOUCH ME!"_ Taki started to breakdance in a professional manner, astounding everyone. "_Can't touch me!"_

"What in God's name is she doing?" Talim whispered softly to Tira as she let go of Tira's mouth.

"_Can't touch me!"_

"I think she's doing the worm!" Tira replied happily.

_"Stop! Taki time! I'm a big shot, there's no doubt; light a fire then pee it out, don't like it? Kiss my rump! Just for a minute let's all do the bump!"_

Then, the current cast of _The Fetus Factor _began to do the bump.

_"Can't touch me! Yeah, do the Fuuma Ninja Bump--can't touch me!" _Taki screamed as she flipped away from Yunseong as he tried to grab her again.

_"I'm Sexy Ninja Taki; Greecian's think I'm hot! Don't care if you're handicapped I'll still park in your spot! I've been around the world, from Japan to Bagbay!_

_"IT'S TAKI GO TAKI I SAID TAKI GO TAKI--Let's see Yun-dick rap this way, can't touch me!"_ The song ended, but Taki turned to Sophitia again and winked. "Except for you; _you _can touch me."

That was when Cassandra leapt from the depths of NOWHERE and shoved Sophitia away, grabbing the mic from Taki's hands.

_"Hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend! No way, no way, I think you need a new one! Hey hey you you, I could be your girlfriend," _Cassandra sang to Taki, adding a wink at the end.

_"Hey hey you you, I know that you like me! No way, no way, I know it's not a secret! Hey hey you you, I want to be your girlfriend!_

_"Yes I found out that you find me so de-li-cious! I think about you all the time you're so addictive!" _Cassandra grinned darkly, reminding everyone of Hilde in that one moment. _"Don't'cha know what I can do to make you feel alright?_

_"Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn precious; and hell yeah, I'm the MOTHERFUCKING PRINCESS--"_

"No you're not, shut the hell up!" Sophitia shouted, standing to her feet and shoving Cassandra away.

"Hey!" Cassandra bellowed. "You wasted _your_ song talking about your goddamn LOEV! I'm trying to use _my_ song to convince Taki that I could be a better girlfriend!"

"Ladies," Taki tried to intervene, but to no avail. Sophitia roared like a wild animal and tackled Cassandra to the ground. An Alexandra Bitchfight ensued. Bets were placed. Armor was broken. Taki drooled.

"LADIES!" Taki finally shouted. "There's enough Taki for_ both of you!"_

And that was that. Everybody won.

Well....Almost everyone. Yoshimitsu came shuffling onto the stage.

_"Domo arigato --domo."_ Yoshimitsu droned as he did the robot. "_Domo."_

Rock came barreling in a second later, throwing Yoshimitsu off the stage.

"RING OUT!" cried the Announcer.

"TIME FOR MY SONG NOW!" the man said loudly._ "GEORGE, GEORGE, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE; STRONG AS HE CAN BE!" _Rock then did a mighty immitation of the King of the Jungle's vine swing cry. "_WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!!...._There, I'm happy."

"Well," Talim said, getting to her feet. "That's the end of our show! Thank you very much for reading and we hope you enj--"

"WAAAAAAAAIT!" Setsuka screamed, running onstage. "I have a song!"

"Setsuka!? What the hell!?" Yunseong frowned. "You haven't even been in the story yet!"

"So!?" Setsuka struck a pose. "I'm half American, so I'm using the first Ammendment to back me up here."

"Damn Americans and their damn democracy," Taki mumbled darkly.

"So, ahem...mic please?" Someone handed her the microphone. _"When the sun shines we'll shine together!"_ sang out Setsuka, _"Told you I'd be here forever! Said I'll always be your friend, took an oath, gonna stick it out to the end!_

_"Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other, you can stand under my umbrella!_

_"You can stand under my um-br-ella, ella, ella....ey ey ey, under my um-br-ella, ella, ella....ey ey ey--"_

Hilde punched Setsuka in the face, sending the blonde tumbling to the ground.

"Stop being lame and cliche!" the red head screamed. "And _that _song!? REALLY? _WHY_!? THAT'S GONNA BE STUCK IN MY HEAD FOR _DAYS_ NOW!"

"Uuuuuh, right. Okay then, moving on," Talim laughed the act off nervously. "So, like I was saying, we hope you enjoyed our production!"

"And if you didn't," Tira laughed, wrapping an arm around Talim's shoulders. "We'll find out where you live and we'll FUCKING KILL YOU."

Talim laughed. "Oh Tira! You crazy bitch!"

"OHO TALIM WAS THAT A REQUEST OF THE SEXUAL SORT?"

"No."

"Aw."

"Anyway," Yunseong stood next to Talim, smiling. "We're lucky to have such great reviewers like you! Stay tuned for the next chapter of _The Fetus Factor_! It'll make you laugh!"

"It'll make you cry!" Tira sobbed.

"It'll probably make you go WTF and kill off more brain cells than every alcoholic beverage in the world!" Talim warned.

"Just remember to enjoy it!" the trio said together.

"Seriously, if you don't we **will **find you." Tira said darkly.

--

Notes: BY GOD THIS WAS SUCH FUN TO DO.

Mega inspiration thanks to crack-a-licious convos with SephirothBeatrix. All songs belong to their creators.


	8. Horror Movie: Raphael PART 1

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Everybody knows why I'm writing this, so I won't reiterate anymore.

ANYWHO

Inspiration for this particular chapter comes from me overusing Tira's SCIV Critical Finisher on Talim.

Oh yeah. You know what I'm talkin' about.

Special thankies to SephiBea for helping this chapter to be born!

--

The Fetus Factor

Part 8

Raphael

--

When we last saw our dysfunctional trio, they were "on the road again" after Talim was adopted by the Alexandra sisters and their pimp, Taki.

Then that crazy ass musical happened. Yet, no one seemed to remember it and continuity went straight to hell.

Er. Moving on.

--

"This place is creepy," Tira squeaked, hiding behind Talim as they stared at the large, old mansion. The sky was black with dark clouds, and lightning flashed every do often (followed by evil organ music and maniacal laughter).

"Y-Yeah," Talim stammered. "I agree with Tira on this one; I don't like this place. The wind here is all dark and spooky!"

Yunseong snorted. "It can't be that bad."

Lightning flashed again; the maniacal laughter was replaced by a wolf's howl. Talim and Tira shrieked girlishly and clung to each other, the height difference causing Talim to lift up a few inches off the ground. Yunseong froze and a chill went down his spine at the creepiness.

"Uh, o-okay," he gulped. "It's that bad."

"The rumors said that Soul Edge was inside," Talim said.

"I don't wanna go in there!" Tira wailed, clinging to Talim tighter. "It's scary!"

"Tira, come on, don't you wanna see Soul Edge and use it for world domination?" Yunseong said, trying to encourage Tira to go into the mansion.

"Noooo! I want to_ liiiiive_!"

"Go inside and Talim will give you a lapdance!" Yunseong said.

"THE HELL I WILL!" Talim screeched, beginning to flail uselessly in Tira's grip.

"SWEET!" Tira laughed, barging into the mansion.

--

"You dick!" Tira snapped at Yunseong, holding her black eye. "You said Jailbait would give me a lapdance! All she did was punch me in the eye!"

"Same difference," Yunseong scoffed, waving away a cobweb that had caught onto his bandana.

Talim rolled her eyes and started to walk further into the mansion and away from the bickering Yunseong and Tira. As she wandered down the dark hallway, she passed by four teens and their dog.

"Zoinks!" cried the tallest and lankiest of the teens. "Like, this ol' mansion is, like, creepy man!"

"Shaggy's right," a curvy red head squeaked, clinging to a muscular blone man's arm as he lead the team down the hallway. "We should really be careful!"

"It's okay, Daph," the blonde man assured. "Nothing bad's gonna happen."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," said a petite, orange clad girl in a nassally tone as she pushed up her glasses with a forfinger.

"Roiks!" the dog barked, actually talking. "Rey guys, rhere's a rittle girl right rere!"

"What the fuck?" Talim said aloud, startling the group.

"Jinkes!" the orange clad girl shouted loudly. "We didn't see you there!"

Talim stared.

"Are you wearing transparent pants?" the red haired girl said in a scolding tone. "You have a horrible sense of fashion."

Talim glared.

"And, like," the lanky boy laughed. "You're so, like, tiny, man! It's blowing my mind!"

Talim growled, her right eye twitching.

"Do you need us to find your mom, kid?" the blonde man asked. "Listen up gang! We've got a mystery on our hands!"

Then, without warning, a trap door opened between the four teens and their dog, plummeting them into the abyss below.

"ROOBY-ROOBY-ROOOOOOOOOO!" was the dog's final howl.

Talim stared again.

"This thing just gets weirder and weirder," she muttered to herself, beginning to walk away while rubbing at her eyes. "And just who the hell is Rooby-Roo?"

--

"Jailbait!" Tira wailed into the mansion. "Jailbait! Where are you!?"

"Dammit all to hell!!" Yunseong screamed, punctuating each word with a punch to the nearest wall. "_Damn _you, Talim! _Damn_ you _and_ your tight, underage ass!_ DAMN YOU_!"

"This is _bad, _Yun-dude!" Tira said, beginning to hop from one foot to the other. "Everybody _knows_ that you're never supposed to split up in a horror movie! _Never_! It's a naturally understood rule, like those Ten Commandment things and that rule where you and I are never supposed to agree!"

"Wait," Yunseong said. "I don't think movies have been invented yet--"

"And when the totally sexy girl is stuck alone with the dumbass of the group, the Psycho-Killer-with-the-chainsaw goes after them first!" Tira ranted on, ignoring Yunseong's use of logic. She turned to the young man and poked his chest with a sharp claw. "Yun-dude! As long as we don't have sex, I think we're gonna make it!"

Yunseong gaped at Tira, his face twisted into an expression of disgust. It was as if the mere thought of a TiraxYunseong pairing made him physically ill.

"Okay," Tira said, noting his look. "We're gonna live. Jailbait, however, is in danger! Everyone knows that once the sexy girl and dumbass are gone, the Psycho-Killer-with-a-chainsaw goes after the adorable, underage, sex symbol--"

"Talim's a sex symbol?"

"Pssh, no. But she fits the other two descriptions."

"This is my morbid curiosity speaking, but who _is_ the sex symbol here?

"That Booby-Ninja-Pimp from the last chapter. You know, the one who had the pipes?"

--

"Last chapter was a _musical,_ dumbass!" Taki roared, using the mighty power of her badass-ness to break the fourth wall into little pieces.

--

"Helloooooo?" Talim called out, pushing open a door. She peeked into the dark room. "Anybody home?"

"Stop right there!" a pompous voice commanded. With his voice came the strumming of a guitar in a Latin flourish. Talim recognized the tone of the voice and the Latin guitar music from her childhood.

"You've gotta be kidding me," she said in a horrified whisper as she turned around.

Standing up on the railing of an upper floor, was a tall man in a tuxedo and a young girl in a pink, pleated skirt and white suit, her blood red pigtails clipped with red jewels. They were both unnaturally pale, and their eyes shone with a dangerous crimson color.

"I am Tuxedo Mask!" declared the man in the tuxedo. In his hand, he held a rose; a rose that looked more like a rapier type weapon than anything. "And this is my daughter from the future, SAILOR MINI MOON!"

"I hate my life," said the young girl dully. "Please kill me."

"Amy," admonished the man. "You're breaking character!"

"This whole damn **thing **is breaking character, Raphael."

"Shhhh! We_ cosplaying_, Amy! We can't just call each other by our real names!"

"..."

Talim facepalmed. Amy facepalmed. Rapheal was confused.

"'Scuse me," the wind priestess called out, "do you two live here, by any chance?"

"I must find the Moon Princess!" declared Rapheal.

"Yeah, I don't care." Talim rolled her eyes. "Hey--Amy was it?--do you two live here?"

"Unfourtunately," Amy replied.

"Ah," Talim said. "Would you happen to have a sword called Soul Edge?"

"Nope."

"Damn. So this was all a waste of time?"

"Apparently."

"_AAAAAAAAH_!" Tira's voice shrieked from the bowels of the mansion. "IT'S THE PSYCHO-KILLER-WITH-A-CHAINSAW!"

"_**NO **_YOU IDIOT!" Yunseong's voice followed. "THAT'S A--_WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?"_

"IT'S A ZOMBIE WITH A BAG ON ITS HEAD _**AND**_ A CHAINSAW!?"

"HELP ME TIRA! _**SHOOT**_ THAT BASTARD!"

"WITH WHAT, MY IMAGINARY POPGUN!? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM, HARLEY QUINN!?"

--

Harley Quinn sneezed just as she shot a police officer in the face with her popgun.

--

"Oh dear," said Raphael. "Amy, did you remember to lock the door to the zombie cage?"

Amy looked around. "...Yes?"

"Then why am I hearing the screaming of innocents?"

"...It's the Prozac. Or the pot."

"...Oh."

"Yes!" Talim cheered. "Finally! I get to be the hero!" She paled. "Wait--zombies?"

"We get those all the time," Raphael chuckled, waving his hand. "Don't worry about it!"

"_**IT'S TRYING TO EAT MY BRAAIIIINSS**_!" came Tira's voice.

"IT JUST TRIED TO _DECAPITATE_ ME!!"

"Now we can worry," Amy sighed.

--

"See!?" Tira wailed, shaking Yunseong's shoulders. "What the hell did I tell you!? It's always the sexy girl and the dumbass that die first!!"

"Less talking, more fighting for our lives!!" Yunseong roared.

"GRRRR!!" gurgled the chainsaw weilding zombie, glaring at the duo through the eyehole of his mask.

"What we really need is a hot Asian in a red dress crashing through a window and a cute, yet slightly dim blonde in a miniskirt to save us!" Tira said.

Nothing happened.

"I said," Tira snapped, "what we really need is a hot Asian in a red dress crashing through a--"

"RUN FOOL!" Yunseong bellowed, scooping Tira beneath his arm and beginning to bolt away from the chainsaw weilding zombie. "That hot Asian and blonde must be busy or something!"

--

Meanwhile, Soul Calibur IV was becoming Resident Evil 4.

Taki drew her pistol and fired off a few shots, her black scarf flaring dramatically behind her. Her sexy red dress clung to her curves.

"Cassandra!" she called out to the younger blonde behind her. "Are you doing okay!?"

"Don't you worry about me, Taki!" Cassandra cackled, smoothing out the wrinkles of her orange, sleeveles sweater and green miniskirt. "The President equiped his daughter with _ballistics_!!" With that, the blonde drew two fancy automatic guns from behind her, and started firing away, laughing madly.

This continued on for some time until--

"Wait, what the fuck are we doing!?" Taki said, looking at her very modern guns. "And how the heck do we have these guns!?"

"Plot holes?" offered Cassandra, shrugging. "Who knows anymore, Taki. I just go along with it now."

--

"So, Mr. Raphael," Talim began as the new trio began to run in the direction of the screaming. "Who's Amy's mother?"

"What?" Raphael said blankly.

"You're her father right? Who's her mother? That oni chick?"

"Oho, heavens no!" the man laughed. "Amy isn't my real daughter! She's my fiance!"

Like her running attack, Talim's foot caught onto the rug and she fell on her face.

"Don't believe a word he says," Amy offered, rolling her crimson eyes, stopping and crouching down to help Talim to her feet. "This is the guy who said he was Tuxedo Mask, remember? I'm not his fiance, really. He's not my type, anyway."

"And I'm not really a pedophile!" Raphael said, smiling. "I adopted Amy as my daughter. That's all."

Talim twitched, and then promptly snapped.

"YOU DON'T JOKE ABOUT THAT MAN!" she screeched, jumping into the air, shifting her body weight, and delivering a TALIM PAWUNCH to his face. Amy was impressed and held up a sign that said "10.0" on it.

"...good job!" Rapheal gurgled, holding his broken nose and giving her a shaky thumbs up. "Captain Falcon would be proud!"

--

"DAMN RIGHT I FALCON WOULD!" boomed Captain Falcon. "THAT WAS FALCON AWESOME!!"

"Dude," Zelda said, arching an elegant brow at the man. "Stop using 'Falcon" in place of the 'f' word."

--

"GRRRRRNGH!!" screamed the zombie as he chased Tira and Yunseong into the mansion.

"Quick, Yun-dude!" Tira said, "Stand behind me! I'll save us!"

"Tira," Yunseong gasped. "You'll sacrifice yourself for me? I can't let you do that!"

"And when I say 'us', I mean me and the voices in my head," Tira answered. She tripped Yunseong, leaped over his fallen body and ran like hell.

"YOU BITCH!" the young man screamed. "THE MINUTE I BECOME A ZOMBIE I'M GOING AFTER YOU FIRST!"

"See you in hell Yun-dude!" Tira chirped, waving over her shoulder. She saw a turn and took it, grinning and basking in the praise her other sides gave her.

**Sweet!** cried Gloomy!Tira, giving her host a pat on the shoulder. **We finally got rid of that meddling kid!**

_Where have I heard that before!?_ wondered Jolly!Tira.

**Oh look, it's our bitch!** Gloomy!Tira said.

"Huh!?" Tira squeaked, right before she barreled into Talim. The two of them were sent tumbling to the ground.

"T-Tira!" Talim wheezed out, blinking at her insane friend. "You're alive!"

"Jailbait!" Tira cried happily. "You're--"

That's when she saw Amy.

Tira twitched.

"Who the hell is that underage girl!?" she hissed out, baring her teeth.

"Oh, that's Amy," Talim answered. "We're together now and--"

"WHAT!? YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH THAT--THAT--THAT LOLI-SKANK!?"

"Excuse me!?" Amy snapped, offended.

"Say what!?" Talim wailed. "I'm not cheating on you!"

"You lie! What about us!?" Tira wailed, sobbing overdramatically into her arm. "I thought what we had was special!"

"WHAT us!?" Talim shrieked, flailing her arms. "There was no us! There never WILL be an us!"

"HOMEWRECKER!!" Tira screamed, pointing accusingly at the offended Amy and ignoring Talim. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"I didn't do anything!" Amy argued. "And from what I see, she's not interested in you!"

"LIAR!" Tira retorted. "She is SO into me!"

"Did I not just say I wasn't!?" Talim said.

"I'll fight you for her!" Tira challanged.

"HUH!?"

"If it means kicking your psycho ass and getting you to shut the hell up," Amy snarled, drawing her Magic Wand, "then, in the immortal words of every kick-ass heroine, BRING IT BITCH."

"Can't we just talk about this like civilized people!?" Talim offered.

Raphael, who was always one for violence of any sort, sat down and started muching on popcorn.

Tira shrieked like a rabies infected ferret and launched herself at Amy. What happened next was an epic smack down of epic proportions that would epically blow out people's brains if epically described.

(plus, the author was really, if not epically, lazy.)

Armor was broken, and shreds of clothing went flying. Raphael was beginning to worry about his precious Amy and the rugs; bloodstains were awfully hard to clean out, after all. Suddenly, Tira cackled wildly; the same cackle that came before her soul-sucking, molest/rape Critical Finish.

"Amy, watch out!" Talim shouted, shoving the red haired girl out of the way right when Tira leaped.

Talim was the victim of the critical finish; everyone, including Tira (who happened to have her eyes opened at the time) watched in horror as the young girl's soul was sucked out.

"OH SHIT!" Tira wailed when the attack finished, leaving Talim's limp, comatose body on the floor. "I JUST KILLED JAILBAIT!"

"You bastard!" Raphael added in.

"Why do the good die young?" Amy sighed sadly, closing her eyes in mourning.

Talim sat up.

Everybody stared.

"YAY!" Tira cheered. "I didn't kill Jailba--"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!" came out of Talim's mouth.

Everybody stared with "DD8" looks on their faces.

"I'M FREE!" Talim shrieked, leaping to her feet. "FREE I TELL YOU!"

"Uuh, am I the only one confused here?" Amy asked.

"Beware, sexy people!" Talim warned, a crazy look beginning to envelope her face. "TALIM'S HORMONES HAVE BEEN RELEASED!"

"Oh that's not good," Raphael said.

"That much repressed, sexual urges could be rather....bad." Amy said, beginning to back up. Everyone started to back up, their "DD8" faces still plastered on; even the wind managed a "DD8" face and backed away.

"Should we start running!?" Tira squeaked as Talim began foaming at the mouth.

"CHEESE IT!" declared Raphael with a manly scream of manliness.

--

TO BE CONTINUED AS THIS IS A CLIFFHANGER.

--


	9. Horror Movie: PART 2

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Everybody knows why I'm writing this, so I won't reiterate anymore.

ANYWHO

--

_**The Fetus Factor**_

_**Part 8**_

_**PART II**_

--

"Okay, let's review," Amy said in a calm voice. "Tira, you just sucked out Talim's soul by kissing her."

"Does that mean I'm really good or really bad?' Tira wondered aloud.

"And now Talim's body is being controlled by her supressed, teenage hormones," Rapheal added in, pouting as his fingers hit the bottom of the popcorn bag. "And I'm out of popcorn too. Damn."

"And your friend--uh, what was his name?"

"Yun-dude," Tira replied.

Amy blinked. "No, what's his _real_ name?"

"Yun-dude!" Tira insisted.

"Seriously, _what is his name_!?"

"_Yun-dude_!"

"Guuuungh," gurgled a severly wounded Yunseong as he appeared behind Tira. The insane girl screamed and hid behind Rapheal.

"It's Yun-dude!" Tira eeked. "He's a zombie!"

"A zombie!?" Raphael shot to his feet, producing a sledgehammer from origins unknown. "Not in MY house!" The man leaped, a war cry trilling from his throat, and started pummeling the shorter Yunseong in the head.

"Go Dad," Amy said, raising her brows.

"Do you _ever_ inflect your voice with emotion?" Tira asked, squinting her eyes at Amy.

"Are you sane?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?"

"What do you think it is?"

"I don't know; what were you implying what I thought it was?"

"I know the answer to that, but what was your opinion on what I thought you thought I thought it was?"

"I am inclined to withhold my answer to your question, but I'll reveal my answer once you tell me what you thought I thought you thought I thought it was."

Amy and Tira glared at each other. A thumbleweed rolled by after a good five minutes of the staredown.

"You are a worthy opponent," Amy said, narrowing her eyes.

"As are you." Tira growled, narrowing her eyes. Suddenly, she pointed over the redhead's shoulder. "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"

Amy blinked, and looked over her shoulder to see...nothing.

"Ha," Tira snerked. "Made you look!"

"...Indeed," Amy grunted, accepting her humiliating defeat with a simple nod of her head.

"Don't worry, my dear daughter and her..." Raphael frowned as he looked at Tira. "...psychotic...rival...friend...person? Er, I have slain the zombie! Rejoice!"

"YOU BASTARD," sobbed Yunseong, twitching. "I WASN'T A ZOMBIE! OH GOD IT HU-UR-UR-URTS!!"

Everyone was silent.

"My mistake?" Tira laughed uneasily, shrugging. She was suddenly tackled from behind, a small body foorcing her to the ground.

It was Talim. Or, rather, Talim's body controlled by her insane hormones. Which, if you think about it, is what every teenager goes through once puberty hits.

"HA HA HA HAAAA!" the girl cackled wildly. "GOTCHA!"

"Is this a good thing or a bad thing?" Tira wondered aloud.

"Bad thing!" Amy, Raphael, and the bleeding Yunseong replied.

"Don't worry, psycho-bitch-person!" Raphael boomed, drawing his sword. "I, Raphael Sorel, shall save you!"

"MINE!" Talim snapped, hugging Tira and growling in a mildly threatening manner. Her right eye twitched in that same, unhealthy beat it always did at times like this, and Yunseong could swear there was a bit of foam at the corners of her lips.

"Aww!" Tira cooed, touched by the new, possessive nature of her height challanged friend. "She thinks I'm her property! That is _so sweet _of you, Jailbait!"

"RAWR!" Talim replied.

"And wook at 'dat, she can't even fowm sentences!" Tira cooed in baby talk, managing to get her arm from Talim's grip and poked the younger girl's cheek. Talim bit the offending finger, causing Tira to yelp in pain.

"Aha HA," Tira hissed through clenched teeth, her eyes watering with pain. "Good one, baby! You know I like it rough!"

**This is most troublesome**, Gloomy!Tira said darkly. **She thinks **_**she's**_** the seme in this relationship!**

_OH HO HO HO,_ Jolly!Tira laughed. _That's a riot! Jailbait? The seme!? Puh-leaze!_

"Uuuuh," Yunseong managed to gurgle in pain. "D-Did I miss something? Since when did Talim foam at the mouth? And say 'rawr'? And...and touch Tira by choice?"

"Well," Amy said. "to sum it all up, Talim lost her soul from Tira's kiss--"

"Wow, she must be really good or really bad."

"--and now a good fifteen years of supressed, sexual urges and hormones have manifested a different subconscious of their own and have taken over Talim's body."

"So," Yunseong paled with fear. "Talim's just hit puberty?"

"More like puberty hit Talim with all the force, speed, and power of a freight train." Amy drawled.

Yunseong gulped. "Oh. Oh _crap_."

"Uh, guys?" Raphael said. "I think that Talim chick just kidnapped psycho-bitch.

Amy and Yunseong stared at the spot where Talim and Tira had sat; they were gone.

"Wow," Yunseong finally managed. "I never thought I'd live to see the day where I had to save Tira. No, really, with the ratio of injuries I suffer daily, it's amazing to think that I'm still able to talk!"

Amy kicked him in the groin.

"Why would you do that?" Raphael asked of his adopted daughter, wincing at the loud noises the young man was making as he rolled on the floor in agony.

"...I have no idea." Amy admitted. "It seemed like the right thing to do at the time."

--

Tira let out a squeak as she was roughly pushed into a closet.

"Hey!" she barked, banging on the door of the closet. "Lemme outta here! I wanna come out of the closet!" Tira took a moment to ponder over her words. Frowning, she crossed her arms and looked to the ceiling. "Oh, HA HA, Arashi. An '_in the closet, out the closet' _joke? Really? And here I thought you were above that," the girl tsked, shaking her head side to side.

Before the author could pull enough braincells together and retort back with a few choice, naughty words, the door to the closet was yanked open. Tira blinked as her eyes adjusted to the dim light the several dozens of candles provided.

Talim, dressed in the same, sexy nightie from before, struck a sort-of seductive pose and smirked.

Tira gulped. "...Whoa."

Talim chuckled and flounced off, turning on a nearby stereo. Before Tira could wonder how the hell a stereo could manage to find its way into the sixteenth century, Talim started singing.

_"This was never the way I planned_

_Not, my intention!_

_I got sobre drink in hand_

_Lost, my discretion._

_It's not what, I'm used to_

_Just, wanna try it on_

_I'm curi-ous for you_

_Caught, my attention!_

_I kissed a girl_

_And I liked it--"_

Talim stopped the stereo, crossed her arms, and glared up at the ceiling.

"C'mon, Arashi," she said in a dissaproving manner. "A spoof on that song? Isn't that, like, the poster song for lesbianism? You know, you're not normally this obvious with the gay jokes; your humor's certainly sucking lately."

"That's what I've been saying!" Tira added, nodding sagely.

Just for that, the author then refused to write a hot sex scene between the two.

"WHAT?!" they wailed in dissapointment.

"Wouldn't that be punishing the readers too?" Tira said.

The author twitched.

"Yeah!" Talim added in, clutching her hands to her chest. "Think about your fans, Arashi!"

The author twitched again.

"Besides, I was kidding!" Talim said.

"Yeah me too! C'mon, please!?" Tira pouted. The girls hugged and pouted in unison.

The author collapsed against her keyboard and relented.

"Yay!"

Then the scene changed.

Talim and Tira's faces went from "C8" to "8C".

"WHAT A BIT--"

--

"Hmm," Amy said, stroking her chin thoughtfully. "If I were a pair of insane teenagers with loads of sexual tension brewing between them, where would I be?"

"A bedroom!" Yunseong deduced.

"Oh, yeah, that narrows our search down to...about fifty more rooms," Amy scoffed, rolling her eyes. "God, I am so not old enough to deal with this crap..."

Suddenly, Taki, clothed in a sexy red dress and weilding a pistol, crashed through a nearby window. The ninja-turned-spy stood to her red, high-heeled feet, several shards of glas sticking out of her body from various places.

"Someone order a sexy Asian in a red dress crashing through a window?" she asked.

"Sorry," Yunseong shrugged, "You're a bit late. The crisis has passed."

"Dammit!" Taki cursed, throwing her pistol to the ground. "I knew I shouldn't have played _'Sex-Up-The-Ninja' _with Sophie and Cass!"

"TMI," Amy informed, grimacing.

"Well," Taki stuttered, "do you guys have, like, a zombie problem that needs taking care of?"

"GRRRR!" declared the chainsaw weilding zombie. Taki turned and in one fluid motion, scooped up her gun and shot him in the head. The zombie crumpled to the ground.

"Okay, my cameo's done," Taki said proudly. "I'm out. Peace, bitches." With that, the spy-returned-ninja jumped through another window.

"Wait," Amy snapped her fingers. "Isn't this corrider on the third floor?"

There was a loud crunch from outside.

"AAAAAAAH!" Taki bellowed. "AH OH GODS! I--I CAN SEE ONE OF MY _RIBS_!"

Everyone winced.

--

Tira stared at the air, sort of blown away at what had just happened.

"_Whoa_," she said intelligently.

Talim took a puff of her cigarette.

"_Wow_," she said intelligently.

"That...that was _awesome_," Tira whispered.

"_Wow_," Talim said, an ear-to-ear grin on her face.

"I mean, _damn_," Tira cackled. "I didn't know you could _bend_ that way!"

"Yeah, well," Talim said smugly, taking another puff of her cigarette. "I've got SKILLZ."

Suddenly, the girl started choking on the cigarette hanging between her lips. She spat it out, pounding on her chest.

"Oh, gross!" she said, hacking up the rest of the bitter smoke. "Was--was I _smoking_!? Since when did I _smoke_!? Oh, the Wind's gonna raise hell for this!"

_DAMN STRAIGHT I AM BITCH! _said the Wind.

"Ugh, _first_ I have to travel with the dumbass who wants to use an evil sword for good, _then_ I get stalked by a psycho-bitch that wants to get into my pants," Talim whispered, starting to rant to herself, "and_ NOW _I have to put up with the Wind nagging me!"

_Consider yourself __**NAG'D!**_the Wind declared.

Tira watched this all with amusement.

"And you lost your virginity to your psycho-bitch-stalker," Tira added in, grinning.

"_**AND**_ I lost my virginity to my--!!" Talim stopped. She turned her head to Tira and said blankly, "Psycho-bitch stalker _say what_?" She suddenly noticed that the two of them were in the same bed. Feeling a sense of dread overcoming her senses, Talim lifted up the sheets.

"Why are we naked?" she squeaked loudly.

"Oh ho ho HO," Tira chortled, "well, there's a couple of good reasons for that. All of them of the _M-rated _material, _if_ you know what I mean."

"Tell me we were drunk," Talim asked desperately.

"Nope. Your homones took over your body after I sucked out your soul with my kiss."

"Does that mean you're really good or really bad?"

"That's what I wanna know!"

"WAIT!" Talim shrieked, finally getting back to the subject. "Are you teling me we--"

"Yup."

"We had--"

"Yup."

"I did--"

"Yup."

"...was it good?"

"HELL YES."

"Oh." Talim blinked. "Strangely, I can live with that."

--

"There you guys are!" Yunseong said, pointing at the two girls as they walked towards the group. "We've been worried sick!"

Raphael was sleeping, snoring loudly. Amy was nudging him in the side with the toe of her boot, uninterested.

"...Well, I've been worried, at least."

"Aww," Talim said, smiling weakly. "That's sweet of you, Yunseong!"

"Talim! You're back to normal!" Yunseong gasped.

"Apparently."

"How!?"

Talim looked down, blushing. Tira grinned wide. Yunseong put two and two together.

"..." The young man blushed as well. "...Oh, uh...w-wow..."

"Nice going," Amy drawled. "You've just lost your virginity at fifteen. Be proud of yourself Talim."

Talim gave Amy the finger.

--

Notes: Not quite as funny as I'd hoped it would be. But oh well.


	10. Sexy Italian Accents: Voldo

Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Everybody knows why I'm writing this, so I won't reiterate anymore.

SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE, BTW.

ANYWHO

--

_**The Fetus Factor**_

_**Part 9 **_

_**Voldo**_

–

"We had se-ex, we had se-ex," Tira sang, cackling in between her lewd lyrics maniacally. She was even adding her own little...jig sort of thing to her song, stopping to wiggle her hips to the side while waving her arms around.

"So I've heard," Talim said dryly. "You know, Tira, I'm well aware of...of uh, what happened. I was there, you know."

"Se-ex, se-ex!"

"God, kill me now," Yunseong said, covering his face with his hands. The tips of his ears were a bright red, a sign that he was terribly embarrassed about the conversation being held.

"SE-EX!"

"Come on," Talim sighed, facepalming. "I'd really rather not go through this with you.

"And we didn't have pro-tec-tion!" Tira said finishing up her song and wiggled a victory dance. "No, no no! Didn't use PRO-TEC-TION!"

"Wait, you guys didn't use protection?" Yunseong looked up. Talim facepalmed again and groaned sadly.

"I'd rather NOT discuss my love life--" Talim stopped as Tira's face split into a deliriously happy grin at the word 'love', "--I mean my sex life with the world!"

"Aww," said Tira. "Your denial hurts me, Jailbait."

"Stop calling me that!"

"WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT NOT USING PROTECTION!?" Sophitia screamed from her perch upon a winded (and wounded) Taki's back. The raven haired ninja had scooped her loevly Greek babe upon her back (after Sophitia had promised more "Sophie Time" as a reward) and ran to the Fetus Gang.

"My—my ribs are broken, woman," Taki wheezed as Sophitia slid off her back. "Seriously, one protruded from my body in the last chapter, and now you have me running around like I'm some sort of—of--like some sort of blonde bounty hunter in a latex suit!?"

–

Samus Aran surveyed the vast expanse of space with a stoic expression.

"I have the distinct feeling I was being referenced to," she said to no one in particular.

–

"Taki, dear, I'll give you a little TLC later on," Sophitia said softly, patting the ninja on the head with a pleasant smile. "But for now--" She whirled on Tira and glared down at the raven haired assassin. "YOU!"

"Uh-oh," Tira squeaked.

"You shouldn't just have sex and NOT USE protection!" Sophitia admonished, one hand on her hip as she pointed at Tira's face. "It's unsanitary, and risky! What if my adopted baby had gotten pregnan—oh, wait, uh, don't really have to worry about that—What if my adopted baby had gotten an STD!"

"I wouldn't worry about that," Tira said, "This is a fanfiction, MILF. Boob-Lady's got three broken ribs and managed to survive a fall from a three story mansion surrounded by zombies, so what makes you think Jailbait can get an STD?"

"Well--" Sophitia stopped. Tira's logic was surprisingly...logical. "I'm a mother," Sophitia said finally, now deciding to fight logic with logic, "I can bend the laws of the universe. SO!" Sophitia grabbed Tira by the front of her feather-collar, drawing the psycho up close to see the RAGE glimmering RAGEFULLY within her eyes. "IF YOU EVER WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY ADOPTED CHILD AGAIN, YOU'RE GOING TO USE FUCKING PROTECTION OR_ I WILL GROUND YOU FOR __**ETERNITY**__."_

"Yes ma'am," Tira whimpered. While the grounding threat was pretty much bologna to her, the mere thought that Sophitia, of all people, was in a rage was enough to scare the living crap out of her.

"If you two idjits would have just listened to my warning in the first place" Taki hissed as she rubbed her side, "We wouldn't be having this conversation!"

"Are we clear on this, young lady!?" demanded Sophitia, still using her RAGEING glare of RAGE on Tira.

"Y-y-yeah, g-got it," the younger girl said between her clattering teeth.

"Good!" chirped the blonde Greek, releasing her captive. She frolicked her merry ol' self right to Talim. "Hello sweetie!"

"Uh, hi Fake-Mom?" Talim greeted warily.

"Oh, you got a little dirt on your cheek," Sophitia tsk'd, drawing a handkerchief from her cleavage (you read that right) and wet the tip of it with her tongue. She yanked Talim's chin up (to the shorter girl's ire) and proceeded to wipe the dirt from her cheek.

"EEEEEEW!" Talim shrieked, flailing her arms around. "Stoooooop it, you're embarrassing me!"

"Oh, honey, if you wouldn't hang around with such nutcases we wouldn't have this problem. Now, hold still for Mommy Sophie--"

"YOU AREN'T MY MOTHER--"

S"Talim Jailbait Alexandra!" Sophitia snapped, drawing away and glaring down once again. "What did you just say to me!?"

"That you aren't my--"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

"Sophie," Taki said, "We aren't in Athens anymore, she really doesn't have a room to go back to..."

"Oh. Well then, go over to that boulder and think about what you said!" Sophitia said.

"But you aren't my--" Talim buttoned her lips as Sophitia crossed her arms. "Fine," the wind priestess huffed, stomping over to the boulder Sophitia had pointed out and sat upon it, hunching over and grumbling beneath her breath.

"Ha ha!" Yunseong laughed. "Talim got put in time-out!"

Taki, instantly going into Overprotective-Dad mode, appeared in front of the red-haired young man, snarling and partially foaming at the mouth.

"You don't taunt my baby like that!" the ninja spat out, bitch-slapping the young man across the face.

"YOU AREN'T MY DAD!" screamed Talim from her rock. "YOU AREN'T EVEN A MAN! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?"

"Really, Taki, I didn't expect that from you!" Sophitia said, ignoring Talim again.

"I, uh, I got lost in the moment," Taki muttered, scratching the back of her neck sheepishly. "So, yeah uh, I think there' s another hot Greek babe back in Athens calling my name--"

"Or about to. Gods above, you and Cassandra go at like like screaming bunnies," Sophitia said beneath her breath.

"Yeah, anyway," Taki scooped up Sophitia back upon her back. "Talim, be good and uh, use protection for sex and stuff."

"Or we'll be back," Sophitia said. "WITH A VENGENCE!"

"Tira no-likey MILF lady," Tira whimpered, hiding behind Yunseong. "No sexings for Jailbait, gotcha."

"I'll try to fight against my sated teenage hormones," Talim sneered.

"I'll help!" Yunseong said.

"YOU KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BABY GIRL YOU RED HAIRED PAIN IN THE ASS!" Taki bellowed.

"Yes sir," Yunseong said, bowing his head.

"And now!" Sophitia struck a questionable pose as she pointed at the horizon. "OFF TO OUR LOEVLY HOME!"

"And recovery sex," Taki snickered. Then, the two raced off.

There was an awkward pause.

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm scarred for life," Talim said.

"I'm going celibate," Tira gripped.

"Why do I have so few lines lately?!" demanded Yunseong.

The authoress decided to ignore him and proceeded to change the scene to get the plot rolling. Again.

–

"Whooooooooa!" Yunseong gasped, gazing upon the mountains of gold and jewels with delight. "Look at all this stuff! One pocketful of it would set me for life!"

"I just like the shiny things! Shiny things make me less homicidal y'know," Tira said.

"I have a sneaking suspicion that we're all going to die," Talim said aloud.

"Wow, Talim, pessimistic much?" said Yunseong, weighing two diamonds in his hands.

"Well, think about it for a minute," Talim said, "Let's be logical about this! We're in a vault—a vault that also acts like a tomb, by the way!"

"I choose to ignore your logic," Tira said soundly. "Although this place does look kinda familiar--"

"KEEEEESHDFGFFDGFD!!"

"Oh wait I think I know where we are now," Tira said.

A man bent into a wheel, er, wheeled into the room, before standing to his feet and doing a constant moonwalk which was just plain cool.

"OH MY GOD!" Talim shrieked, latching onto Yunseong's back like a tiny little gremlin creature.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Yunseong shrieked, latching onto Tira's back like a slighter taller and less attractive gremlin creature.

"BEE BEE Q!" Tira shrieked, latching onto the moon-walking stranger's back like a very, very insane gremlin creature.

"Keeesh?" said the moonwalking man, looking up at the tower of terrified young people. "Keessdhgsd, dfgdfndfgh, dghgghdfghdfgh!?"

"WAIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Tira squealed. "NOW I KNOW WHERE WE ARE! I'm sure of it this time!" She threw Talim and Yunseong off her back, then leaped off the stranger's back. "VOLDOOOO!" With that, she hugged the moonwalking man around his waist. "I missed you, man!

"Ksdgggfsdr, sdfgghr," said Voldo, apparently trying to wiggle out of Tira's hug (with little success).

"You should take that gag outta your mouth, you sound retarded," Tira told Voldo while Talim and Yunseong stared on with unhinged jaws.

Voldo seemed to sigh, then gingerly took his gag out of his mouth.

"My god, Tira," the man said in the sexiest Italian voice that ever existed ever. "I thought you'd gone the way of Harley Quinn and found yourself a veggie-skinned and/or haired person to associate yourself with after Nightmare kicked you out."

"Nah," Tira snorted, doing a damn good impression of said jester. "Mistah N doesn't hit me because he knows I'd hit him in the balls. His nonexistent balls. Think of much that would hurt."

"I'd rather not," Voldo said in his sexy Italian voice.

(And just so you know how sexy his voice was, Siegfried fangirls around the world then converted from the Church of Sieggy and made a Church of Voldo. They have great services on Sunday mornings.)

Yunseong and Talim were, as one would expect, quite speechless. Talim was opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water, while Yunseong just sort of stared at the scene.

"C'mon, man, gimmie some skin," Tira snickered, holding out her palm. Voldo slumped in defeat and what followed next was the most epic secret villian handshake known to man. It started with a normal "down-low" highfive, then evolved into a finger-wiggling, booty-bumping, alphabet-reciting mass of gang-signs and other things of a similar nature.

"Wow, I hate doing that handshake," Tira said after they had finished.

"As do I," Voldo said elegantly. He suddenly spied Yunseong and Talim. Ignoring the red-haired man, he pointed at Talim. "Tira, why is there a child here?"

"OH COME ON!" Talim screamed, fisting her hair. "I'M FIFTEEN, WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT!?"

"Oh, you mean Jailbait?" Tira giggled. "Jailbait's my bitch!"

"WHAT!?" Voldo and Talim screamed.

"You act like this is something unexpected," said Tira, shaking her head at her teammate and her bitch—I mean—her friend.

"Isn't that illegal!? What is she, eight?!" Voldo demanded.

"You can all go to hell," Talim grumbled darkly.

"Okay, two things," Tira held up her fingers, ticking them off as she went on. "One, I'm evil and therefor I have the right to ignore the law. Second, Jailbait's fifteen. Technically, I'm not breaking a real law, what with the two year age gap."

"Still, you're both minors," Voldo said. "At least Ivy had the decency to tap a legal one."

Suddenly, as if summoned, Hilde's voice whispered to them, "baaaarrrreeelllyyyyyy!"

Tira looked around. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Yunseong asked.

"I could have sworn I heard—ah nevermind, just my imagination."

"I've got a feeling the funny's draining out of this thing like sweat on a highschool student cramming for exams." Talim said flatly.

"Wait, how do you know what a highschool is!?" said Yunseong. "Isn't there a sense of logic we're supposed to be following Tira get that knife away from my ba—H-HEY THAT DOESN'T GO THERE--"

"Quite," was all Voldo had to say on the matter.

Talim looked at the moonwalking man. "Say, how do you do that, anyhow?"

"Well, you see, it's quite simple really." Voldo shrugged. "I just take the tried true method of defying physics."

Talim stared, one eye twitching. "Huh. You don't say."

"By the way," Voldo reached over and tried to shank Yunseong through the ribs. Unfortunately, it missed. "Put down my lord's treasure!"

"You mean Jesus!?" Tira gasped.

This was met with stares from all around. The author's head hit her keyboard soundly, with mumbled utterings of, "I'm going to hell for this."

"What? What'd I do!?"

"Tira, just—just no." Talim sighed, pinching her forehead. "We're not supposed to bring religion into this thing."

"Are you talking about Jesus!?" Squealed Tira, ignoring Talim to the younger girl's ire. "Have you met him!?"

"Well, actually--"

"Because I've always wanted to meet Jesus!"

Talim, in lieu of a nice tree, found the nearest stone pillar to her left and began to smack her head into it.

"I don't think someone like you could, Tira," Voldo said, raising a nonexistent eyebrow. "Meet Jesus, I mean."

"Awww!" Tira whined, oblivious to the fact that Talim's head was making a rather nice crater in the stone pillar. "Why not?"

"WHY NOT!?" Talim shrieked, wrenching away from her headdesking (Yes I went there. You can shoot me at your leisure) to glare menacingly at Tira. Blood was dribbling from beneath her hairline, and her left eye was twitching in a rather unhealthy rhythm. "YOU ASK WHY YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WON'T MEET JESUS!?"

"Is it because I'm German?" Tira asked innocently.

"NO IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE GERMAN!" Talim said. "YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK GERMAN!"

"And according to the Internet, she doesn't have an official nationality," added in Voldo, quite amused with the spectacle before him. Yunseong looked up.

"What the hell is an Internet!?" he asked.

"But I wanna be Germaaaaaaaan!" Tira whined, stomping her foot.

Talim stared. Tira stared back. Talim stared some more. Tira stared some more.

"Are you as turned on as I am right now?" Tira said, grinning darkly.

"..........." Talim flushed and looked away.

"You are, aren't you!?"

"Wait, I don't think I need to be hearing this conversation--" Yunseong began, only to scream in pain as Voldo successfully managed to shank him through the ribs.

"You're just like Hilde, huh?" Tira snickered. Talim looked rather terrified of the comparison and shook her head wildly. "C'mon, there's nothing to be ashamed of!"

"B-But I don't wanna be like Hilde!" Talim whimpered. "Do you KNOW the kind of kinky shit she goes through everyday?"

"And I looooooooooveeeeeeee iiiiiiiiiiittttttt!" cried Hilde's disembodied voice passionately.

"See!?" Talim said, waving her arm. "That just proves my point! Think of just what Ivy and Hilde are doing right now for Hilde's voice to reach us fifty miles below the earth's surface in a tomb!!"

"She's not the only oooooooooooooneeee!" Ivy's voice added in.

"WOW!" Tira said, her eyes lighting up in delight. "IVY MUST BE SUPER FUCKING AWESOME TO DO THAT!"

"I have a bad feeling that you're about to say something that will no doubt scar me for life," Talim said, inching away from Tira.

"I WANNA BE LIKE IVY NOW!" Tira gushed.

Talim's jaw dropped.

-Meanwhile-

Ivy paused, just before she was about to finish of her thirty second round of "sex up the princess". She shuddered in horror and felt the intense desire to maim Tira.

And not in the good way.

-Back at the Batcave-

"Chip, chip, cheerio!" said Tira in a snobbish British accent. "Tea and crumpets and what not."

"That is a horrible stereotype," said Voldo, shaking his head.

"Well, dah-ling, if I want to be as good as Ivy," Tira smirked in what might have been a sad attempt to mimic Ivy's awesome smirk. "I have to 'talk the talk'--"

"Forget it," Yunseong said. "You don't have the bust for Ivy. The end."

Tira grabbed some cable wire, looped on end of it around her right hand and cracked it as a whip across Yunseong' s face.

As the young man set about rolling on the floor in pain (and not in laughter, which, to be honest, he probably would have preferred), Tira constantly tried to mimic Ivy.

Predictably, she was failing epically. As it turned out, Talim wasn't very keen on the whole, "call me your master" thing.

"Say my name!" Tira demanded.

Talim rolled her eyes and turned to Voldo, moving her white rook to capture his black knight. "Kiss my ass, Tira."

"You guys are playing chess while I'm in extreme agony!?" Yunseong cried.

"Yup," Voldo grunted, moving his black bishop to smite her white pawn. "And we're at a stalemate, surprisingly."

(What he didn't know was that Talim was secretly cheating by reading his moves. WITH THE WIND.)

"Aw, c'mon Jailbait!" Tira whined in her normal accent, popping down beside Talim. "Please!? For meeeeee?"

"You know, I'd be more inclined to your wishes if you called me by my name," Talim sneered, frowning.

"Please....Talim?" Talim gasped and turned, meeting Tira's gaze in a shower of shoujo sparkles straight from an anime. And yes, a pink background and rainbow bubbles were included. "Please? Say my name...?"

Voldo winced a little at the girliness of the whole thing.

"Guh," Talim gurgled, blown away. "I—I--I mean—oh my holy—you're a—and with the--" The powers of speech had been robbed from her.

"Pleeeeease? Oh Talim, please!" Tira pouted, and her lips seemed to have gained a supernatural pink shine.

Talim stared, mouth open wide, for a few more minutes. Her face was suddenly colored red and she fell flat on her back in a dead faint.

"Damn, that's not what I had in mind," Tira scowled. Then, she perked up. "Wait...underage female unconscious before me....Ivy's inspiration running through me....talking to myself like a psycho...."

Voldo waited.

"Hmmm....."

Voldo waited some more.

"I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO!" Tira boomed. "I must--"

Voldo leaned in, breath held in anticipation.

"I MUST--!!"

The audience was probably leaning in by now too.

"I gotta remember what I gotta do cause I don't get it," Tira chirped.

Voldo fell onto the floor—but not because Soul Calibur IV went straight up anime for a few seconds, no, it was because Yunseong's flailing body had knocked him over. Rising fluidly to his feet, the Italian kicked off Yunseong from his feet and then went up to Tira, snarling with rage.

Or something close to it. The author doesn't know anymore.

The doors suddenly exploded with RAGE as an armor-clad woman-- decked with a couple of machine guns, a tommy gun, a rocket launcher, a coat hanger, and a few grenades for the hell of it—stepped in, quivering with RAGE.

It was Hilde. A very, very, very, VERY mad Hilde. Tira could see the red haired princess was baring her teeth in a wolflike snarl.

("Oh ha ha, I get it. Wolflike snarl" because my last name is Wolfkrone? How original, Arashi, how original.")

Now, as the author epically sucks at description, she would like to take a moment to describe the scene to you, the viewer. Yunseong was still flailing in pain in the background, Talim was unconscious, Tira, the nutcase, was looming over Talim's body and Voldo was getting ready to smack a bitch.

The author apologizes as she corrects an error.

Voldo was getting ready to pimpsmack a bitch. Which was, of course, Tira.

"YOU," Hilde grizzled, hands clenching tight around the hilt of her saber, "YOU!!"

"Me?" Tira pointed to herself.

"YES YOU!" Hilde growled. "YOU'RE THE ONE STOPPING MISTRESS IVY FROM GIVING ME HOT SEXINGS!!"

"I am?" Tira asked, arching an eyebrow.

"She is?" Voldo asked, arching a nonexistent brow.

"What'd I miss?" asked Yunseong, who was now recovering from his pain somewhat.

"Duuuuuuur," said Talim intelligently.

"YES! IT'S BECAUSE YOU KEEP OFFENDING MY LOVELY IVY THAT WE'RE NOT PLAYING ANY OF OUR GAMES ANYMORE!" roared Hilde.

"Sucks for you then, doesn't it?" Tira said, smiling. Voldo facepalmed.

Hilde drew her sword and spear, bristling with more RAGE then ever before. Sephiroth's theme began to play in t background to heighten the sense of approaching DOOM--

Sephiroth's theme was cut off as "Don't Cha" came on instead.

Everyone turned their heads to see Siegfried, standing in the doorway and looking quite happy to be back in the story. He was holding a boombox, from which the song played.

"Uh, Siegfried," Hilde said, blinking. "That's kind of ruining the mood."

"Has your bloodlust calmed down yet!?" asked Tira.

"Yes, actually," said Hilde.

Tira looked at the multitudes of weapons decorating Hilde's body.

"SIEGGY!" Tira wailed. "SIEGGY KEEP PLAYING! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP PLAYING THAT SONG!"

"On it!" said Siegfried happily. He even cranked up the volume, bopping his head to the beat and singing it under his breath.

Hilde stared. Then, she picked up her speak and, with the blunt end, smacked him upside the head.

"Back!" she commanded. "Back pretty-boy! Isn't there an unsmooth Korean lady waiting for you!?"

"Forshadowiiiiiiiing," Yunseong declared while making weird hand gestures.

"Fine!" Siegfried pouted, and that made the fangirls that had converted to Church of Voldo go to Church of Siegfried once more. With that, the blonde knight scurried off.

"You know what I've just noticed," Voldo said to no one in particular, "This isn't a real secret tomb/vault thing if everyone and their mom knows about it."

"Hey, is Sophie here?" asked Momma Alexandra as she poked her head in. "I've been meaning to tell her to get me some milk from the grocery store."

"See what I mean?"

Hilde chased Momma Alexandra away, then made her way back to the chamber. She cleared her throat. "Where was I?"

"Letting me go?" Tira squeaked.

"Ah, right." Hilde's face snapped from "lD" to "8C" once more. "YOU LITTLE PSYCHO BITCH! I'M GONNA POP A CAP IN YOUR ASS!"

"That sounds quite painful."

"Oh it is, trust me. THAT'S WHY I'M DOING IT!" Hilde charged at Tira, howling a battle cry.

("HA FUCKING HA ARASHI. We get it, you can make funny wolf jokes because my last name is Wolfkrone, ENOUGH ALREADY. Sheesh.")

"Ahhh!" Tira wailed.

Talim sat up, bleary eyed. "Huh? Am I missing somethOLY CRAP WHERE THE HELL DID HILDE COME FROM!?"

Hilde charged up her Critical Finish, her spear glowing with pure, celestial power.

"Ahhh!" Tira wailed. "Talim, save me!"

Now, at this moment in time, Talim had what every emotional fifteen old girl has.

(First, she ran like the wind to the nearest computer and watched an episode of _Kannazuki no Miko_. Seconds later she deemed that decision as the worst mistake she ever made and vowed to never see it again. But that was sorta beside the point. ANYWHO--)

Talim had the strong desire to maul Hilde in a catfight.

"BRING IT BITCH!" Talim roared, leaping at Hilde. Hilde, who was startled to see a fifteen year old possible nutjob hurtling towards her way with the speed and force of a tornado--

("Jeez, wind jokes now. Arashi, you're fucking lame.")

--stopped and pivoted around. Talim, anticipating this because the wind was guiding her, caught Hilde around the neck and sent them both plummeting into a convenient mudpit below.

Tira, Voldo, and Yunseong peeked over the edge of the pit to see Hilde and Talim duking it out. In the mud.

"There _is _a god," Tira whispered fervently.

Yunseong nodded dumbly. Voldo facepalmed and decided to be a gentleman. He slunk away.

(But not before setting up a video camera to sell the tapes on e-Bay. Hey, Voldo needs money too.)

The doors slammed open once more. Tira and Yunseong looked up, then eeped in fear when they met the ice blue gaze of one very pissed off Ivy.

"Who the hell is trying to hurt my--" She happened to peer down into the mudpit, where Talim and Hilde were fighting in. Her brows rose. "Oh my, that's a lovely sight."

"You—you little wind dork!" Hilde grunted as she pinned Talim and wrenched up the younger girl's head by her pigtails.

"I AM NOT LITTLE!" Talim bellowed, pulling off some flexible move that made Ivy whistle low to toss Hilde from her back.

Ivy rolled her eyes and allowed her whip/sword to coil around Hilde, pulling the red-haired girl out from the mudpit.

"Lemme at her!" Hilde barked--

("...I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment.")

–and struggled against Ivy's bonds—for once. "Just lemme get in ONE good punch, just one! I'm gonna—I'M GONNA--"

Ivy cut her off with a kiss. Tira and Yunseong went "Ooooooh" as in the style of a studio audience.

"Now now, Hilde, what's all this big hassle about?" Ivy purred, smirking.

"I—well you ah--" Hilde looked down. "I could tell Psycho McClown-pants over there was offending you--"

"YEAH FUCK YOU TOO, RED," Tira snarled.

"And because of that you weren't in 'the mood'. So I just...I tried to kill her," Hilde admitted sheepishly.

"You were going to kill someone...for me?" Ivy whispered, touched. "Hilde...oh Hilde that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me..."

"I'm faintly disturbed by that," Tira said flatly. "ME. _I'm_ disturbed."

"Shhh!" hissed Yunseong. "You'll make me miss the best part!"

"What, where they engage in hot, steamy se—oh Yun-dude, you're an asshole."

"Well, you know," Ivy trailed off. "Before, I wasn't really in the mood but after watching you beat the little gremlin child...I think I've had a change of heart..."

"Wh-what are you talking about?" Hilde whispered, face growing hot. Ivy chuckled darkly.

"Oho, my lovely little wolf, I think you know..."

If Hilde had a tail it would be wagging right about now.

"OH IVY!" Hilde beamed, hugging Ivy around her neck and sighing happily. "I missed this!"

"I did too...."

Sniffles came from Talim. Everyone looked down into the mudpit to gaze curiously at the wind priestess.

"Th-This is just like H-Himeko and Chikane's tearful reunion from Kanazuki no Miko!" Talim said, dabbing at her eyes. "Except without the stupid ass mechas. And the stupid male lead." Here, Talim lifted her gaze to Yunseong. "Oh wait. There's still a stupid male lead. Nevermind."

–

TBC.

-

As the curtain closed on the latest yet not greatest chapter of the _Fetus Factor_, Talim quickly scuttled through the curtains to gaze rather cutely at the audience. She coughed delicately into the palm of her hand, then brushed off flakes of dried mud clinging to her clothes and skin.

"Hey everybody, Talim here, ," the wind priestess greeted. "Main character of _The Fetus Factor_ and possibly the only one who's still sane. I come bearing a public service announcement, because Arashi is a lazy fat-ass who doesn't actually bother to write her own damn messages, so she's stuck me with the job.

"Arashi would just like to convey that she has a building adoration for the yuri anime show known as _Kannazuki no Miko_—which, if you've been paying attention, was spoofed in this thing. Twice.

"Still, nothing's perfect, and it can be said that _Kannazuki no Miko_ has a lot to be desired. I'm sorry, you can't have hot miko love _**AND**_ giant mechas in the same damn episode, that defies the laws of...well, I don't know what kind of laws it defies, but you get it.

"And Chikane and Himeko would have been here themselves to defend Arashi, but according to the e-mail I got from Chikane, she said that she's too busy molesting Himeko to give a shit. Seriously."

Talim cleared her throat. "Anyway, the point is that Arashi seriously didn't mean to offend any _Kannazuki no Miko _fans out here."

She nodded and clapped her hands. Talim looked towards the ceiling, scowling. "Alright, I've done my part. NOW FIRE ME FEOM THIS STUPID ASS STORY."

"Sooooorry, Jailbait!" Tira sang from offscreen. "According to Arashi, we still got a buncha characters to go through before the day's done!"

"Fuck," Talim sighed, facpalming.

–


	11. Queen of Unsmooth: Seong Mina

Disc: I don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. |D

Notes: I dare you to guess what this entire thing is really about. I dare you.

–

**The Fetus Factor**

**Part 10**

**Seong-Mina**

–

"Fresh air!" Talim cried as the Fetus Gang left Voldo's Pimpin' Crib—I mean—the tomb. "Thank you, Wind! I can finally banish the smell of jockstraps and other unmentionable smells from my nostrils with your cool breeze!"

_Yeah, uh, about that_, the Wind said crabbily, _I'm still mad at you for having pre-marital sex, you gremlin whore. NO BREEZE FOR YOU._

Talim hid a sob as the cool breeze stopped. "I should have been Catholic," Talim whined into her hands. "I don't think Jesus would be mad about the pre-marital sex thing."

_Actually--_

"SHUT UP JESUS!" Tira boomed, pointing to the sky. "We weren't asking for your opinion!"

_Aww..._

"So," Yunseong sighed, rubbing at the healing whip mark on his face and wiping away the blood from Voldo's shank attack, "Where next?"

"I dunno," Talim sighed, scratching the back of her neck. "We didn't ask for clues on Soul Edge."

"And Voldo was pretty clear when he said, 'Get the fuck out you gang of mentally retarded fools'," Tira added in.

Yunseong snapped his fingers as an idea sparked. "Wait! I got this covered, girls," Yunseong said. He pointed in a random direction. "Soul Edge is this way!"

Talim arched a green eyebrow. "What makes you think Soul Edge is that way?"

"Nothing, actually. But the mere fact that I'm pointing dramatically in a certain direction automatically suggests that our target is there!"

Talim stared. "That...that logic doesn't make any kind of sense what-so-ever!"

"Sounds like my kinda logic!" Tira squealed happily. "Yun-dude! I've decided not to hurt you!"

"YES!" cried Yunseong.

Talim sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, praying to the Wind for guidance.

_Ah ah ah, nope! I'm not listening to you! _The Wind said in a sing-song tone. _La la la la laaa laa, I'm not list-en-ing--_

Talim changed her mind and prayed to the stars for guidance.

_Wait, wait wait wait hold the phone_, sputtered the Wind. _Aren't you a WIND priestess!? Since WHEN do you even acknowledge the stars!? _

"SINCE NOW YOU FUCKING JERK!" Talim screamed at the wind. "NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE, JESUS!"

_Yeah?_

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?" Tira shouted, jumping into Talim's conversation.

_I get it, I get it, I'm leaving. Stupid, mentally retarded punks._

–A LITTLE LATER--

Tira sniffled. "Uugh! Yun-dude, did you have to lead us through a field of flowers?! I have allergies! Bad ones!" She let out a loud, painful sounding sneeze.

"I'm beginning to wonder about you, Yunseong," Talim said in an odd voice as she peered at her friend, while Tira wailed something about sneezing up blood in the background. "Flowers? Really?"

"Talim, shut it," Yunseong ground out, crossing his arms. "I tried my best, and since you went and pissed off the wind by losing your virginity--"

"I DID NOT LOSE IT!" Talim screeched, beet red. "IT WAS TAKEN FROM ME!"

"Hey, from what my many personalities recall, you came onto me," Tira said, grinning wickedly. "And I mean that litera--"

"Tira, finish that sentence, and I'll FIND a couch and make you sleep on it." Talim warned in a deadly low voice.

"Oooh, takin' charge," Tira cackled. "I like it! You can top next time, Jailbait!"

"I TOP'D LAST TIME!" Talim said.

"Sure you did," Tira said, smirking. "Keep tellin' yourself that, shrimpy."

Talim growled like a mentally unstable wildcat and flexed her proverbial claws. If Tira had been anyone else, she would have wisely backed off, sputtered some apologies, and went on her merry way.

But Tira was Tira. And so, as one would expect, she didn't back off, sputter an apology, and go on her merry way.

"Uh, Tira," Yunseong called out in warning as he witnessed foam beginning to appear at the corners of her mouth. Then, before he could finish his warning, he remembered all the times he'd been injured by the pig-tailed psycho-bitch.

Yes—he remembered _everything._

"Keep goin'" Yunseong declared in a smug tone. "I think she'd about to collapse from the building sexual tension."

"OH REALLY?" Tira squealed. "Awesome!" She turned to Talim, and opened her arms. "C'mere baby! I'm ready for ya!"

"TALIIIIIIIIM--" Before Talim could leap at Tira, a green and white blur appeared from nowhere, and tackled Talim to the ground in a most unsmooth manner. The blur had managed to knock Talim off her petite feet, flip in the air, and fall into a cushion of flowers, the green haired girl squawking in shock.

"Tallllllyy!" the blur squealed happily, her arms wound tight against Talim's neck. "I haven't seen you in forever, man! Give Mina a hug!"

"Can't....breathe..." Talim wheezed breathlessly. "M-Min-na...I n-need.....air!"

"I'm not lettin' go until ya give me a hug, you little shrimp you," Seong Mina said, grinning widely as she hugged Talim tighter. "C'moooooon!"

"S...seri...seriously Mina....I'm....I'm losing consciousness....!"

Mina scoffed, and only clung that much tighter. "Tch' yeah right! You said that last time, and when I let go, you ran away like a bitch, screaming about how crazy I was--oh shit, Talim, you're turning blue!"

"JAILBAIT!" Tira wailed, before she snatched an unconscious Talim from Seong Mina's death grip and held her protectively. Incidentally, her arms were also wound tight around Talim's neck, which didn't make the situation any better. "What the hell is your problem!?"

"Dammit, Tira!" Yunseong shouted, scooping the young girl away by her fancy, Pacman collar. Talim was, understandably, close to death. "You're killing her!"

"Reeeeally," a smooth, manly voice said dryly. "I'd say that you're the one killing her." With that said, Talim was plucked from Yunseong's grip and cradled like a child. The small girl took in a great big gasp of air, coughed hoarsely, and looked up at her savior. Against a backdrop of sunlight, long blonde hair flew majestically in the breeze and a chorus of angels sang.

"Whoooooooooa," Yunseong and Tira said, jaws hanging to the ground.

"W-...Wind God? Or Wind Jesus? Is that you?" Talim breathed in awe. "Wow....you're....you're so..." She frowned. "Is that stubble?" The angelic chorus suddenly fizzled out of existence and the sunlight finally died down. Siegfried gave a sheepish grin, and shrugged as much as his crystalline armor would allow him to.

"Yup!" Mina chirped as she bounced to her feet, braid swinging with her movement. "Isn't he just dreamy with that unsmooth chin of his?" She sighed, eyes glazing over. "Oh yeah...The unsmoothness...Mina liiiiike..."

Yunseong looked at the girl he considered a sister. His face clearly said, "WHAT THE HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Hey, I remember you!" Tira squealed, pointing at Siegfried who still held Talim in his arms. "You're that pedophile I tried to set up Jailbait with! You know, the one from chapter one!?"

"OH GOD," Siegfried said in horror, shifting the much smaller figure of Talim until he held her aloft by hooking his hands beneath her arms. "IT'S THE FETUS!"

"OH GOD," Talim said in horror, flailing about in air. "IT'S THE GUY WHO WAS COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING!"

"He doesn't HAVE to compensate for anything," Mina giggled impishly, holding a hand to her mouth to hide her smirk. "He lugs that big sword around because HE'S JUST STATING THE FACTS~!"

"Niiiiice," Tira cackled, and gave Mina a highfive.

"BE GONE, FETUS!" Siegfried bellowed, then chucked a shrieking Talim off into the distance. Everyone shared a moment of amazed and horrified silence.

"THAT WAS SO COOL!" Tira said in glee, hopping up and down. "Me next, throw me next!"

"No way, girlfriends first!" Mina said, latching onto Siegfried's front. "C'mon Sieggy! I want a chance to sing that song by R. Kelly!"

"HE'S NOT EVEN ALIVE YET!" Yunseong screamed. And before Tira had a chance to inflict pain upon our favorite (or not so favorite) red haired youth, he scampered off in the general direction Talim had been thrown in.

–

"I'm terribly sorry," Siegfried said, scratching the back of his neck. "It's just—well, our position was rather compromising--"

"I'LL SAY!"

"--and, well, I just don't want to go to jail, and what with you being a fetus and all--"

"A TINY ONE TOO!"

"--it was a reflex! I swear!"

"YOU'RE REALLY AERODYNAMIC BY THE WAY."

"MINA THAT IS NOT HELPING!" Siegfried bellowed, holding his head in hands.

"It wasn't? Sorry, baby," Mina said in a soothing tone, patting the stubbly Siegfried on his back. Then, in a not so soothing voice, she told him, "Heeeey...maybe if I teach you how to use _that sword_ of yours, you'd feel better~..."

"Bow chicka wow wow," Tira sang, only to yelp as Talim's fist collided with the back of her skull. The look on the green haired girl's face clearly said, "I AM NOT AMUSED." Tira pouted and crossed her arms. Mina watched the interaction with a straight face. Then, she cleared her throat as she came to a conclusion.

"You two are suffering from a severe lack of sex in your relationship." Mina said bluntly (and unsmoothly), causing Tira's jaw to drop and Talim to choke on her tongue and fall to the ground.

"How'd you know!?" Tira gasped. Talim leaped to her feet, grabbed the back of Tira's head, and pushed it into the tabletop in an effort to shut her insane friend up.

"Now, you see," Mina said, shaking her head while Siegfried grimaced as blood began to pool from where Tira's head had collided with the table. "That's the sexual frustration taking over."

"I AM NOT SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED," Talim roared.

"Your caps lock speech begs to differ," Mina said, raising a brow.

"I'M ONLY CAPS LOCKING BECAUSE I'M TALKING TO YOU AND YOUR UNSMOOTHNESS GIVES ME BRAIN TUMORS!"

"Does it now?"

"YESSSSS!"

"Jailbait, I can't breathe," Tira's muffled voice squeaked out. "My blood's kinda cutting off my air supply."

"Sorry!" Talim yelped, releasing her hold on Tira's head so that the raven haired girl could raised her head and breathe. Blood ran down her face and she poked gingerly at her injured nose. Talim winced and grabbed Yunseong's green bandanna. While the young man sputtered in rage, Talim gently wiped the blood off of her friend's face, face scrunched up in a particularly cute manner. Tira sniffled and pouted again, glaring at Talim faintly.

"Um, sorry," Talim said again, "it's just, well, I—I'm not very comfortable with sharing certain things--"

"Like the lack of sex in your relationship?" Mina asked brightly.

"...." Talim glared darkly at Mina while holding Tira's chin very gently. "What are you, Dr. Phil?"

"Oh _hell_ no," Mina said, insulted. "I prefer Oprah. She gives out cars. And she has her own _religion_, how cool is that--"

"ANYWAY," Talim said through gritted teeth, turning her attention back to the pigtailed psycho-bitch. "Um...are we good?"

"........." Tira 'hmph'd and turned her head to the side. Talim seemed to wilt; Mina awww'd at the sight.

"H-hey, I said I was sorry," the green haired girl said in a whine. "What more do you want?"

"Go for make-up sex!" Mina called out, causing Siegfried to give her an odd look. "What, it works for us!" And at that, the blonde man flushed and looked away.

"SHUT UP MINA YOUR UNSMOOTHNESS IS JUST MAKING IT WORSE," Talim bellowed.

"My unsmoothness is what's gonna save your sexless relationship!" Mina replied, waving a finger in the air. "I guarantee it!"

"JUST STOP HELPING," Talim said, and then to Tira, ground out, "Is it something I did? Because normally you get off on these kinds of things!"

"Yeah, normally!" Tira said in an injured tone. "But—I, I just can't deal with this anymore!"

"WHAT!?" Talim, Yunseong, and Mina cried out in unison. Siegfried held his ears at the volume.

"You're so—so mean to me all the time! You never acknowledge our relationship out in public, or ever, and the only time you've ever shown me any sort of affection was when you wanted me for my body!"

"Oh my god she's right," Yunseong said in a horrified whisper. Talim opened her mouth to say something in her defense.

"No! You're just gonna put the blame on me and go about shouting about how pure you are," Tira snapped. "I can't deal with this anymore!"

"You can't mean--"

"I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!" Tira shouted.

The world crashed to a grinding halt.

"You—you can't—you—what?" Talim stuttered in a small voice. "That's just—I mean you--"

"I think I just did," Tira said with finality, crossing her arms. "You and me? We're over, baby."

"You're...breaking up with me?"

"Yes."

"....NO." Talim said, glaring. "Oho, NO. NO FUCKING WAY. You don't break up with me, I break up with you!"

"You bitch!" Tira shrieked. "I can break up with whoever I damn well want and whenever I damn well choose! And I want to break up with you, right now!"

"That's not how things roll," Talim said, standing to her full four feet and nine inches of height. "I'm the sane one, I choose when to end things! And I say we're not over!"

"And I say we are!" Tira snarled, rising to _her_ five feet and three inches of height.

"Oooooooh, this is getting' good," Mina snickered.

"Dammit, no we're not!" Talim screamed, rising up on her tiptoes, so that she could partly glare into Tira's eyes. "We're still together, and that's that!"

"It's over, and nothing you say can change my mind!" Tira turned and began to walk to the door. "You know what—I'm goin' back to Voldo!"

"WHAT!?" Talim, Yunseong, Mina, and Siegfried screamed in unison.

"You pick him over me!?" Talim said in rage.

"AT LEAST HE KNOWS HOW TO TREAT A LADY," Tira said. Her hand was on the doorknob. "See ya, you pint-size, pigtailed, veggie-haired PRUDE!"

It was then that something happened. Perhaps it was the fact that she'd been through ten chapters of pure insanity; perhaps it was the fact that Tira had saved her once before; it may have been the Prozac she'd taken only two hours ago. Whatever it was, there was the undeniable fact that something happened.

Talim snapped.

She stomped her petite way over to where Tira was, grabbed the older girl by her biceps, spun her around, and slammed her against the door.

("Whoooooa," Mina said, waving towards the screen, "be warned that the following scene is not meant for little kids! Avert ye eyes, kiddies!")

"J-Jail--" Tira stammered, only to gasp as Talim yanked her into one of those kisses fit only for the big screen. With romantic wind and music and all that jazz.

Several things happened in this particular order—Yunseong was blown away by the force of a nosebleed, Mina catcalled and made other inappropriate noises, and Siegfried just sort of looked on in awe.

(Then he realized he was watching two minors make out and paled, grimacing.)

When the whole thing was over and done with, Tira looked rather shocked.

"I told you," Talim hissed, her left eye doing that twitchy thing it liked to do in these sorts of situations, "we're not over!"

There was a stunned silence (save for Mina's unsmooth fit of giggles), before Yunseong spoke up.

"WAIT SINCE WHEN WERE YOU GUYS GOING OUT!?"

Talim's head turned 180 degrees so that she could give Yunseong a taste of Talim's Death Glare Version 2 ™

Mina choked on a giggle, Siegfried paled even more, and Yunseong made a startled little squeak noise.

Talim's eyebrows were so furrowed, that they made a perfect V on her forehead—her eyes were bulged and lined with demonic looking red lines, while her mouth formed a perfect C, down to her chin. To make it all the more ominous and deadly, organ music played in the background while Talim's shadow had morphed into a gargantuan figure, whose face matched her own.

"BE IN PAIN," commanded Talim's transformed shadow, bad-ass-ness dripping from each word.

Yunseong then punched himself in the face. Hard.

"Wow that's sexy," Tira breathed in awe. "Not him in pain, but the fact that your shadow spirit did it—that's the sexy part."

Talim suddenly turned back to to the pseudo jester, all traces of her fury gone. "You think so?"

"Yup," Tira chirped proudly.

Talim smiled warmly, and the chapter began to close.

SUDDENLY--

"Ha ha! Our plan worked, Tira!" Mina cheered, leaping into the air.

".....Plan?" Talim's smile seemed to freeze. Her left eye did that twitchy thing. "What plan?"

"Well, I wasn't gonna tell ya, but since you're my GIRLFRIEND now; we used reverse psychology," Tira giggled, looping her arms around a suddenly stiff Talim. "Mina figured that the only way you'd go out with me is if I totally bended the rules of sanity (which I do anyway) and 'broke up' with you! Then in an effort to reestablish said rules, you'd bring us 'back together'!"

"But since you guys were never technically going out in the first place, you merely started the relationship instead of fixing it, thus granting Tira her victory," added Mina. "Now, after ten or so chapters of dodging around the issue, you and Tira are now an official couple!"

"Oh my god, they're geniuses!" said Yunseong in a horrified whisper. "Evil, unsmooth, insane _geniuses_!"

"YAY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY!" the fantastically unsmooth duo cheered, giving each other a thumb's up.

"...." Talim twitched as her smile grew in size; the effect was quite menacing. Siegfried started to inch towards a nearby door in fear.

"Uh, J-Jailbait? You aren't mad or anything, are you?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Talim suddenly cackled shrilly, starting to spasm. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"Oh god we broke her brain!" Mina gasped.

"I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU GUYS," Talim informed them cheerfully, still laughing.

"Aha you're kidding, right?" Tira said nervously.

Talim brandished her elbow blades.

"BEND OVER AND TAKE IT LIKE A MARTH." the wind priestess said brightly, her grin so wide it seemed to encompass her young face.

"From Smash Bros.?" Yunseong asked quickly.

"Aw shit, that fabulous dude with the blue hair!?" Tira's face dropped in horror as she covered her bottom. "NOOOOOOOO I DON'T WANNA!"

"Quick! End the chapter, end the chapter!" Mina screamed wildly as Talim attacked.

–

TO BE CONTINUED.

IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

–

Notes: I am ashamed of myself for this chapter. Hal f of it isn't really funny, I know, and I brought Jesus into this which means that not only am I going to Hell. I'll get flamed along the way.

But at least Seong Mina's in this shit now. :3

Talim's line "BEND OVER AND TAKE IT LIKE A MARTH" spawned from an observation one fine day as I was playing SCIV.

One of Talim's grabs is called "Piggyback something or other" (IDK the actual name, I just know Piggyback's in it, fff).

It's the one where she makes you get on all fours, sits on your back, and shoves her elbow blades up a place where ELBOW BLADES SHOULD NOT GO.

Thus, Talim gives out forced anal. And then expects you to forgive her. THIS IS WHY I LOVE TALIM SOOOO.


	12. Lack of Identity: Setsuka

Disc: I don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. |D

Notes: Well. Here we are again. Makes me wonder why you guys still bother with me! I'll make it up to you by having a really really really fucking huge chapter. :3

Also, I had a Halloween special for you guys, but then life decided that it wasn't happening and I procrastinated and it never got done and I fail. Sorry. 8C

–

**The Fetus Factor**

**Part 11**

**Setsuka**

–

"Talim, there are some lines you just **don't** cross," Yunseong muttered, shifting the unconscious Tira higher up on his back. He took pride in the fact that after Talim's rather...._unique_ attack, he had been the first one up and recovered with near superhuman skills.

Of course, one would have to have superhuman recovering skills to still be _alive_ if one lived the life of Yunseong. Said boy was seriously beginning to think that there was a "Yunseong Injury Quotient" that everyone and their mother had to fill out or something. Whatever; he could deal with it!

"Shhh, you fool!" hissed Siegfried who, aside from his manry stubble, looked perfectly fine. Oh, right—the blonde knight had been the only one to escape Talim's wrath. Which was a degree of bullshit up with which Yunseong did not put. "One does not poke the sleeping bear awake!"

"....." Yunseong stared.

"Don't make her snap again!" Siegfried explained, "Who knows what could happen!?"

"Mm, chicken tenders," Seong Mina, who was perched upon Siegfried's back, mumbled loudly (Yunseong noted that she couldn't be smooth even in her sleep.) "...sweet sauce all over my body..."

Siegfried seemed to take in that mental image, then he coughed and seemed to choke out a strangled, "Do want". Or perhaps it was a strangled, "Say what". Yunseong couldn't really understand the chap.

Ahead of them, Talim continued to shuffle along, her small shoulders slumped and her overall posture radiating dejected...ness. Melancholy-ness. Or something similar to that. To be honest, his heart went out to the poor girl. Hell, he'd have probably done the same thing, if he had the ability. Though he did have to give Tira and Mina their props—the reverse psychology scheme _was_ sheer brilliance, now that he thought about it. Maybe they weren't idiots after all!

"SIR IS YOUR NAME MONKEY-FUCKING-A-COCONUT," Mina suddenly squealed in her sleep, opening sleep bleary eyes to the world. She gave the open sky a critical glare, then mumbled, "...could be a melon. Looks like a co-co-nut." And with that, she was out again.

….Well, Yunseong thought, maybe Tira wasn't a complete idiot--

"Nawww, Mistah J!" Tira suddenly cheeped, kicking out her legs, "B-Man's not gonna get past your right-hand-girl, no sir-ee-Bob~!"

…..Well it was a nice thought.

"It seems they have very, ah," Siegfried laughed weakly, "unique dreams."

"If you consider quoting Dane Cook and Batman 'unique', then yeah, I guess."

"AAAAGH, TIMMY! DO NOT FLOAT ABOVE ME WHILE I AM DROWNING IN THE ABYSS!" Mina whimpered and curled around the German knight, to the blonde's delight.

Yunseong rolled his eyes and smirked; Tira let out an impish giggle, as if agreeing with him, and he could hear her voice in his head-- _"Looks like Sir Bishie's getting some toniiiiiight!"_

Then he jumped in horror because, dammit, _no one_ should have an Inner Tira speaking to them. Then he realized that Tira actually _was_ speaking to him, and relaxed a bit at the apparent safety of his psyche.

"'Sup," Tira said in a drowsy, pain-tinged voice, "What'd I miss?"

"Hey, g'morning," Yunseong laughed. He stopped and let her down, chuckling as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and yawned, resembling a young kitten.

And then Talim was suddenly _there_, at his side in an instant (like she had just sped up time or put on some sort of bunny shaped hood), one gloved hand reaching out to feel Tira's forehead. He let out a weird yelp and leaped away (more afraid of her speed than the girl herself; it was like Soul Calibur II all over again!).

And what scared him more was how fast Talim could _talk_.

"Are you okay? I'm so sorry, I don't know what got into me and I was just I was so mad and you tricked me and ohhh, you're just impossible sometimes! I mean really, if you wanted—I mean if you really wanted that you could have just asked, I mean really! I probably would have refused anyway, but you never know, and and and--"

Tira's hand flew and smacked over Talim's mouth,

"Yo, Jailbait," Tira mumbled, "_Chill._ M'fine, really. I've had worse. Oho have I had worse."

Yunseong grimaced.

"You sure?" Talim asked, biting her lip. "I was a little rough--"

"Heh heh, baby you know I like it like that."

Talim sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "If you're well enough to make those kinds of jokes, you're fine." She stood and said, "Come on, up you go," and grabbed the raven haired girl's hands and tugged her up.

Now, Yunseong could just _see_ how Tira was going to take advantage of the situation. Thankfully, he was not disappointed. Tira made this falsetto coo and slumped over, predictably falling into Talim's arms.

"Ohhh, I'm sorry," the assassin whimpered, "my legs gave out. You'll have to carry me, it seems."

"Uh," Talim flushed. "What?"

"You know, across the threshold? Well," Tira surveyed the surroundings, "maybe not threshold seeing as we're in the middle of nowhere—but carrying me bridal style, that's what I mean."

Talim grunted. "I don't think that's a possibility Tira. You're kinda heavy--"

"I weigh two more pounds than you! And you can take down ROCK, for Pete's sake, I can't see how you can't carry me." Tira gasped and her eyes watered. "U-Unless you're saying I'm _fat!_"

Talim blanched. "NO no no no no no! I'm not, I'm just saying that I can't carry you!"

"Why nooooot?" Tira whined, pouting.

"Height difference," Talim replied in a dry voice. "Makes things a little more difficult, no?"

"That's not what you said last night."

Talim made a sort of sputtering noise, then shoved Tira at Yunseong, her face just as red as his hair. "Carry her, please Yunseong?"

(_Wait a second_, Yunseong thought to himself. _Why isn't she denying that statement? Or at least saying it isn't true—UNLESS IT IS! HOLY SHIT--_)

"Pff," Tira snorted. "No need, I can walk just fine."

Talim glared. "Then why did you want me to carry--"

"LOOK OVER THERE A BLONDE CHICK HITTING A SAMURAI WITH AN UMBRELLA!," Tira screeched in desperation, pointing at something over Talim's shoulder. Talim looked back, and saw a most unusual sight.

"What the?" Talim asked, "Is that a blonde chick hitting a samurai with an umbrella?"

"What the?" Tira asked, "There really _is_ a blonde chick hitting a samurai with an umbrella!? Oh _mon dieu_, I have the sixth sight! And I can apparently speak French too! Whooooa, awesome!"

"What the?" Yunseong asked, "Why the _hell_ am I not surprised to see a blonde chick hitting a samurai with an umbrella? I should be more surprised."

"What the?" Was all Siegfried said.

"THE TIRE!" Mina said as she finally awoke, "IT HIT HER IN THE FAAAACE—what the?"

There was, indeed, a blonde woman hitting a samurai with an umbrella. Talim, who came to the conclusion that the woman was driven insane by the malevolent forces of Soul Edge (to be honest she really had forgotten about that thing by now. Oh well, perfect chance to get back on track!), gasped out, "She's gone insane by the forces of Soul Edge!"

"Well, duh," Tira said. "I mean, really, an _umbrella_? Most impractical weapon ever."

"Like you can talk, Miss Hula-Hoop," Yunseong said.

"_Hey!_ It's a ringblade, thank you very much! At the least, it's a _hula-hoop of death._"

"Uh, guys," Talim snapped her fingers, drawing Tira and Yunseong's attention back to her. "Soul Edge influenced person? Over there? Maybe we should, oh I dunno, stop them or something?!"

"I wouldn't worry 'bout it Tally," Mina piped up, sliding off of Siegfried's back. "I mean if all she has is an umbrella, how much harm can she do—HOLY SHIT THE BITCH JUST PULLED OUT A SWORD."

"WHAT?" everyone shouted. The looked back to the scene and noticed that the blonde woman was attacking with both her sword and umbrella.

"Where the hell was she keeping that thing!?" Tira asked, glancing over the woman's skimpy attire. "In her vagi--"

"In her umbrella!" Siegfried said, blushing, "obviously!"

"No I'm pretty sure it was in her vagi--"

"IT WAS IN THE GODDAMNED UMBRELLA," Siegfried bellowed. Tira screamed and hid behind Talim, covering her ears.

"Right," Talim said shakily, reaching back to pat Tira on the head. "So now it's agreed—we help out the samurai dude?"

Everyone nodded, and, once their weapons were drawn, they charged into battle!

–

"NE NE MITSU-KUN WE MUST HAVE A SHOWDOWN TO THE DEATH DESUUUUU NA KEEEE!"

Mitsurugi died a little on the inside upon hearing his native language being butchered so. Caught off guard as he was, the blonde woman—who had identified herself as "SETSU-CHAN, DESU~"--was slowly gaining an advantage. Not a fair one though—with her voice and her obvious lack of knowledge of the Japanese language, she tormented him by use of psychological warfare.

Goddamned psychological warfare.

And then, oddly enough, the day was saved not by three biologically engineered kinder-gardeners with super powers, but by a motley crew consisting of; a blonde haired bishie of a fellow with a huge sword, a naginata wielding brunette, a shirtless, machete wielding lad, a girl who looked like she had just stepped out of the circus armed with a bladed hula-hoop, and an eight year old brandishing a pair of tonfa.

Why the hell these people were letting an eight year old fight, Mitsurugi had no idea. But hell, she was damn good with those tonfa. The crew managed to beat back "Setsu-Chan" with little to no effort (it was five to one after all) and kept themselves as a barrier for Mitsurugi.

"Awww, Mitsu-kuuuun!" Setsu-Chan whined, stomping her feet, "Ne ne, why did you call in reinforcements, desu~? Not fair, not fair, desu! Especially since that little one is only eight, DESU!"

The eight year old lunged at the blonde, but was held back by the circus girl. "A) I AM FIFTEEN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! AND B)--SAY DESU ONE MORE TIME, MOTHERFUCKER. I DARE YOU. I DARE YOUUU!"

"Jailbait, sweetie, remember what I said before," the circus girl was saying in a squeaky voice, "Chill!"

"No, no no no, bitch made this personal," 'Jailbait' snapped back. "Nobody gets away with calling me eight without getting TALIM PAWUNCHED in the mouth!"

"But Jailbait, a lot of people have gotten away without getting--"

"YEAH WELL, THEY WON'T NOW!"

"Neeeee, why are you so mad, des--"

"Don't say it man," the shirtless boy called out, "You hit her beserk button, and with Talim, that's not a good thing to do."

"What, her beserk button gets pushed with one word?" Setsu-Chan had suddenly dropped the weird, highpitched Wapanese accent. "She's got some serious issues then."

"Hold the phone," said the blonde bishie, "What happened to your accent and high-pitched voice?"

"Yeah Setsu-chan," said the circus girl. "It's like you've got split personalities—and I know a lot about split personalities!"

"Meh, Japanese wasn't my thing, man," Setsu-chan said, waving her hand dismissively. "Hm. What do you think would work for me? Southern accent, or Deep-Southern accent?"

"What?" Jailbait blinked and slumped in her friend's arms. "I'm not following--"

"Southern it is!" Setsu-chan cleared her throat and said, "Howdy y'all! The name's Setsana Montana an' I got the--"

"I swear to Wind God if you start singing what I _think_ you're about to start singing," hissed Jailbait.

"--BEEEEEEST OF BOTH WOOOOORLDS~"

Jailbait yowled in fury and struggled harder. "LEMME AT HER, LEMME AT HER!!"

Mitsurugi decided to quietly slink away, muttering, "This is the last time I try blind-dating through a Rent-A-'Ho service."

–

"What," Setsana Montana stopped again, cocking her head to the side. "Southern ain't doin' it for ya?"

"Southern we could deal with," Siegfried said, shuddering, "Hannah Montana, we can not."

"Hmph," Setsana Montana snorted, "Gawddamn, y'all act like she's the worst thang since Snakes on a Plane."

"That's cause she is!" Mina said, rubbing at her ears, then looking at her hands for signs of blood. Her ears hadn't started to bleed, thank God. "At least Samuel L. Jackson was _cool_."

"Again," Yunseong said, waving his arms. "How the hell do you know all of this!? None of these people are alive yet! Movies haven't been invented yet! COUNTRY ROCK/HIPHOP ISN'T IN EXISTENCE! We're in the 16th century, for Pete's sake!"

"Does Mina have to bitchslap the logic outta you!?" demanded Mina, slapping the back of her left hand against her right palm for emphasis. "Cause I will!"

"Bitchslap!" Setsana Montana slapped her forehead. "Of course! Country isn't doing it for me because I'm a _straight up G, ya heard me?_" She proceeded to whip out a baseball cap and plop it on her head (sideways, by the way), as well as a pair of shades and an ungodly amount of gold rings and chains. After slipping on all the accessories, Setsana Montana flashed a double gangsign and proclaimed, "_Sup, dawgs_?"

Talim's jaw dropped. Tira's jaw dropped. Siegfried's jaw dropped. Yunseong's jaw dropped. Mina's jaw didn't, because she wanted to be different.

"Hey, man, the name's Setsrhianna, ya heard me?" Setsrhianna asked rhetorically.

There was a heavy beat of silence.

"Daaaaaamn," Mina whistled. "Home-girl, you got some _balls_ for trying that gangsta shit out, yo."

Siegfried and Yunseong merely exchanged glances, and then shook their heads. Talim simply lost faith in all humanity and hung her head, sighing in grief.

"My God, our token black guy must be feeling pretty damn offended by now," said Tira, still gaping.

--MEANWHILE--

Just as Zasalamel was finished adding the final touches to his newest, diabolical plan--worthy of Batman and Xanatos and M. Night Shyamalan and maybe even Albert Wesker--he froze. His quill hovered over the paper, and his ears were perked. He sensed that he really needed to scythe a bitch, but as he didn't really have a detailed, diablolical plan--worthy of Batman, Xanatos, and M. Night and maybe Albert Wesker--at the ready for bitch-scything, he simply shrugged and went back to work.

"This is going to nag at me all day," Zasalamel muttered to himself.

--BACK--

"Aw, come on! Stop looking at me like that!" whined Setsrhianna. "I make a darn good gangster-bitch! I'm pretty fly for a--"

"No," snapped Talim, "No, you're not. MINA is more _fly_ than you and MINA is an IDIOT WHO DOES NOT HAVE A SINGLE CLUE WHAT THE MEANING OF "SMOOTH" IS."

"It's a genetic defect," sighed Mina, sniffing sadly. Tira clicked her tongue and patted Mina's arm in sympathy.

"Hell, even TIRA'S more fly than you!" Talim continued, waving to the pigtailed girl.

"It kind of helps that I have a gangsta personality somewhere in my shattered psyche," Tira replied. "If you're willing to learn a thing or two, I'm sure I could coax her out. Though she may want to pop a cap in your ass rather than help you..."

"Nah, that's okay homie," said Setsrhianna. "Gansta isn't really doing it for me anyway, And you know what they say! If you can't be them--" She aimed a dark look at Siegfried and Tira, "GO GERMAN."

Siegfried's jaw dropped again. Tira raised her brows and wondered where Setsrhianna (or whoever the fuck she was calling herself now) was planning.

"MY NAME IS SETSUKADOLF," boomed the blonde woman.

Tira froze. Siegfried's face seemed to darken in an instant.

"Ma'am, I have a good idea on where you're going with this," Siegfried said in a low tone. "And I must implore you to--"

Setsukadolf straightened into the attention position of the military.

"--seriously woman," Siegfried said, louder and angrier. "Please, desist from this nonsense, or I shall be forced to use extreme measu--"

The blonde woman's hand shot up into the infamous salute and she began to say, "HEI--" when Siegfried let out a roar, picked Talim up by her breeches ("HEY WHOA WHOA WHOA WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"), and chucked the screaming girl at the blonde with all his might. The tiny green haired missile crashed into the older woman's ribs, sending the two toppling to the ground. Breathing hard through his mouth, Siegfried looked at his other three companions.

Tira wailed out, "OH GOD, TALIM!", Mina just stared, mouth open, and Yunseong looked positively terrified.

"She was going to cross a line!" Siegfried said in his defense, flushing. "I had to stop her."

"By throwing Tally?"

"She's the only one who could stop it without killing Setsukadolf."

"BUT WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE JAILBAIT!?" Tira demanded. "WHY NOT THROW YUN-DUDE, HE'S BIGGER AND HIS HEAD IS HARDER!"

"Hey!" Yunseong said, injured.

"Good point," Siegfried agreed. "But even with my years of lugging around a Big Fucking Sword, I can't pick up Yunseong as easily as I can Talim. Besides, Talim is the hero of the story. She's got the advantage of a Plot Shield."

"God, I love it when you talk logic," Mina said in a breathy voice, fanning herself with her hand and grinning with half-lidded eyes.

"Hey!" Yunseong said, injured once more. "How come when HE speaks logically, he doesn't get hurt—but whenever _I_ say something that makes sense, I get stabbed or kicked or kicked and stabbed in the groin!?"

"Cause he's sexy," Mina said, rolling her eyes. "And you're just _stupid._"

"Aww, man," Yunseong wilted.

"Mein ribs!" moaned Setsukadolf in pain as she struggled to sit up. Gently holding Talim up with one arm, she clutched at her middle and moaned again, "Oh god, mein riiiibs! Christ, what the hell is your head made out of, kid, cement!?"

"WHY," bawled Talim, raising a clenched fist to the sky. "WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME, WIND GOD?!"

_Maybe if someone hadn't, I dunno, LOST THEIR VIRGINITY AT 15--  
_  
"SHUT UP, WIND, THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION."

_You can't tell me what to do!_ Snapped the Wind. _I tell you what to do! Because I'm your deity!_

"Oh, for the love of--!" Talim would have face-palmed, but she didn't want to aggravate the pounding headache in her skull. She glared darkly at the sky. "Fine! FINE! I'm just gonna be Catholic or something!"

_Yeah, right._

"I'm serious," Talim said in a quavering voice, her bottom lip starting to tremble a little.

_Pfffft. As if._

Talim sniffled. She drew in a shaking breath and rubbed at her eyes.

"Jailbait," Tira squeaked, rushing up to the shaking teen and shoving Setsukadolf away. "Baby, are you cry--"

"I'm not crying!" Talim wailed, tears beginning to trickle down her cheeks.

"Kinda looks like you are," Tira pointed out. She expertly ducked the fist that swung out at her head, tsking, "Now c'mon, I thought we were past this point in our relationship."

"I'm a tsundere," Talim bawled, slumping in her posture to mimic a kicked and bruised puppy. "I can't help it."

"I know, Jailbait, I know." Tira patted the tiny one gently on her head, making sure not to aggravate the girl's injury. She winced when she felt a sizable lump, and winced harder when Talim gave a little cry of pain. "Oooh, what a goose-egg you got here, 'hon."

"Heeey, m'seein' stars," Talim suddenly mumbled as her eyes got big and wide. Her pupils dilated and her words began to slurr. She looked up at Tira and said in a whisper, "_And they. Are. So. Sparta._" She blinked and laughed. "Whooooops, did I say Sparta? I meant _sparkly._ Like the skin of a vampire. _Heeeee..._"

"Uh, Jailbait," Tira giggled nervously, "Kinda freakin' me out here."

"There are like," Talim paused, then waved her arms wildly to emphasize a point, "Rainbow butterflies _everwhere! _In my brain. _Behind my _eyes." She narrowed her eyes and pointed at Tira, "IN YOUR _SOCKS_."

"Whoa," Mina said, eyes wide. She looked over to Siegfried and said, "Think you threw her a little too hard, dear."

"_The cake! It's a trap! __**DO A BARREL ROLL.**__"_

"I think she has a concussion," Yunseong said, face pale.

"**THE GAME.** You have just lost."

"How about mein RIBS," Setsukadolf bellowed, raising a fist. "One of them is pushing into mein heart! It really hurts, man!"

"Shut up, nobody cares," Mina snapped.

"_Verdammt zu einem ungeziefer gefüllt hölle, du schlampe unscharfen_," cursed the blonde woman in surprisingly fluent German. She shut her lips and whimpered in fright when Siegfried turned to look at her with murder promised in his eyes.

"_Fiiiighting evil by moonlight! Wiiiining love by daylight! Neever runnin' from a real fight! She is the one named __**SAILOR MOON.**_"

"Hey, uh, Jailbait," Tira helped the smaller girl up to her feet, "You gonna be alright? I mean, there are a lot more Internet memes you could have gone through before you started on karaoke. "

"Nope! I'm not gonna be okay!" Talim replied cheerfully. "In fact, I think I'm gonna just pass out now. Nighty ni--" She slumped, limp, in Tira's arms as she lost consciousness.

"Jailbait!" Tira cried.

Talim's head snapped up, and she was grinning. "Haaaaw! Psyyyych! You just got LOLI-ROLLED."

Tira's face was blank. "_What._"

Talim started to wiggle, her head lolling around while singing, _"We're no strangers to loooove! You know the rules; and so do I!"_

Setsukadolf grimaced. "This is offensive even to _me_."

Yunseong groaned, slapped his face. "Talim, what did I say about lines that shouldn't be crossed?"

"Da na na, somethin' somethin...._Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you doooown! Never gonna...gonna..._" Talim paused and said, "Oh, ow, really losing consciousness now. So, uhm, night." And with that, she fell back down, unconscious for real this time.

--A little while later...--

"My...head! Ow ow ow! It's _killing _me!" Talim winced as she opened her eyes, greeted by a pounding ache in her skull and the smell of frying vegetables, cooking rice, and soy-sauce.

"...and the weird thing is, I really _am_ half-Japanese and half-European," came the muffled voice of the blonde, umbrella/sword wielding woman who went by many, many names. "I just have a severe lack of identity—what with the whole not fitting in thing n'all. I sadly _don't_ have the best of both worlds. I'm like Cher in that _Halfbreed_ song--'cept I'm white and Japanese, not white and Native American."

"How do you know about Cher!?" Yunseong demanded in a shrill voice, "She isn't alive ye—ow, Mina, not so hard! Careful with that naginata!"

"Shh, guys, quiet," hissed Siegfried. "Talim's still recovering."

"I thought she had Plot-Shield protection," asked Mina.

"That's why she's _recovering_ and not _dead_."

Talim groaned aloud and rolled her eyes.

"Oh, you're awake," a familiar voice said from her left. Talim looked to that side, surprised to see....

"Harley...Quinn?" Talim said in a shocked, awed, and very confused voice.

"Silly JB!" "Harley" batted her eyes and grinned, pigtails bobbing. Her outfit consisted of a white nurse uniform, although tailored with the neckline revealed the top of the "jester's" black and red cupped bra. She also donned a red, leather corset, and white mini-skirt, which barely covered the tops of her thighs. With red and black gloves with matching boots, white greasepaint make-up, a black mask, and a cute nurse's hat perched on her head, "Harley" looked positively slutty. In the bad way.

However, Talim's concussion—which was gone, thanks to the wonders of a Plot-Shield—seemed to have scrambled her eyes. She couldn't remember Harley Quinn having _black_ hair—she'd always thought Harley was a blonde. And the "jester/nurse's" eyes were _purple_, not blue, as they should have been. And there was a cute birthmark on the apple of her right cheek, just below her eye.

Things weren't adding up. Or maybe they were. Her headache was drowning out a lot of her coherent thought. Talim squinted her eyes as "Harley" stifled giggles.

"C'mon, JB," teased the older girl. "Don't'cha recognize your girl?"

It clicked.

"TIRA!?" Talim's jaw dropped. "What...how....what are you _wearing_!?"

"Harley's _Arkham Asylum_ outfit."

"...Yeesh, you couldn't have picked the good ol' version? You know, the red and black spandex combo?"

"What, I see no problem with this outfit!"

"You look like a 'ho. In the _bad_ way."

"Like Ivy?"

--ELSEWHERE--

Ivy sneezed, jarring a sleeping Hildegard out of her light doze. The redhead rubbed her eyes, still a bit drowsy.

"Mmm, Ivy? Wha's goin' on...?"

Ivy sniffed, dabbing at her nose elegantly with a hankie. However, her eyes burned with anger. "I think I'm going to kill Tira."

Hilde arched a brow, her mind too full of sleep-fuzzies to comprehend the statement. Then she shrugged and snuggled back under the covers, eyes closing. "Good luck with that, dear."

--BACK TO OUR FAVORITE MINORS--

"Okay, so where'd you get the outfit," Talim asked, eyes wide.

Tira clapped her hands, almost gleefully. "Setsu-chan gave it to me! She felt really bad about kinda being the driving force behind your concussion, and she let me an' the rest of the gang have a couple of cosplay outfits she had lying around! Setsu-chan's a swell gal, a real pal, even! And really good at cosplaying!"

Talim just shook her head, still nursing a doozy of a headache. "Urgh...how long have I been out?"

"A while," Tira said. She perked up and said, "Hey JB, wanna see the gang? They all look fabulous! Well, 'cept for Yundude, cause he was a party-pooper and decided not to dress up."

Against Talim's wishes (which was the norm, come to think of it) Tira dragged the small girl up to her feet and burst into the adjacent room. There sat Yunseong, who was rubbing his latest injury (a rather ugly bruise on his arm, to be precise). To his right sat Seong Mina—although she was done up as Yuri, from _The King of Fighters_. To _her_ right sat Siegfried, who had chosen the guise of the well known hero of time, Link. And across from _him_, sat...Tifa Lockhart, from _Final Fantasy VII_?

"Tifa," Talim said in surprise. "You're in this shitty excuse for comedy too?"

"_Actually_, I'm not Tifa," Tifa said, blinking her genuine looking crimson eyes. "I'm only_ cosplaying_ as Tifa."

Talim looked pointedly at the bust. "You're her cup-size though."

"I assure you, tiny child of green-hair, I am not Tifa Lockhart. I'm actually--" Tifa reached for the bottom of her chin, grabbed it...and tugged away her face, revealing it to be a well done mask and wig. Beneath the disguise, a certain, familiar ninja appeared. It was... "--Taki!"

Everyone stared with open mouths. Mina's eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she passed out.

"T-Taki," Talim said in surprise. "Wha—How did--"

"_Actually_, I have another confession," said Taki. "I'm not Taki. I'm only _cosplaying_ as Taki cosplaying as Tifa. You see, I'm actually--" With that, "Taki" reached for her chin again and removed her face—revealing a familiar, double agent of UMBRELLA... "--Ada Wong!"

Everyone still conscious stared. Mina recovered from her faint, sat up shakily, looked at Ada and the "Taki" mask clenched in her right hand, and promptly passed out again.

"Uh," Talim blinked. "Uh, oh. Well. Ada, I didn't know you'd be in this story too--"

"_Aaaactually_," Ada laughed, running a hand over her short hair. "I'm not Ada Wong. I'm only _cosplaying_ as Ada cosplaying as Taki cosplaying as Tifa. My real identity is--" And again, "Ada Wong" pulled off her mask to reveal a certain, indigo haired, pearl eyed ninja... "Hinata Hyuuga!"

Everyone stared, although with more annoyance than surprise. Mina awoke and sat up. "Fuck!" she cursed as she passed out once again.

"Okay. Hinata." Talim rolled her eyes. "How did y--"

"_**Aaaaaaaaaaactually**_--"

"Oh come on!" shouted Talim, throwing her hands in the air. "Don't tell me you're really, I dunno, SAILOR MOON and you're only _cosplaying_ as Hinata cosplaying as Ada Wong cosplaying as Taki cosplaying as Tifa!"

"Don't worry, last mask, I promise," "Hinata" swore, hand already at her chin. "Ready?"

"Just get it over with," Talim snapped.

"Anyway—I'm not Hinata Hyuuga. I'm only _cosplaying_ as--"

"We already heard it from JB," Tira said, impatient, "Just tell us!"

"Hinata" snorted. "Fine. I'm actually--" With a flourish, she peeled off the mask to reveal... "Setsuka!"

Minds were blown as the blonde haired woman smiled at them all. Mina re-awoke for the final time, looked at Setsuka, and sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god."

"How did you..." Talim couldn't finish her sentence.

Setsuka smiled wider and said only this.

"Bitches don't _know_ about my cosplay."

–  
TBC. EVENTUALLY.

–

Notes: Hope I haven't offended anyone horribly with this. Setsuka is a hoot to write when I just want to be fucking lazy about character development.

Also want to apologize for anyone who just lost THE GAME. Really, I'm sorry for any and all losings of THE GAME.

The ending was rushed and horrible. I seriously don't have a clue as to what I'm doing anymore. 8I

On a further note—Setsukadolf's German curse translated is something akin to "Damn you to a vermin filled hell, you unsmooth bitch." Although the _literal_ translation may be quite different. I don't speak German.

I know this isn't a good substitute for a Halloween Special, but hey, at least you have some people in costume. In December. Shhhhh....


End file.
